Dear friend, I'm sorry I've been so absent lately.

I decided to try and be a good friend haha. I'm not just saying this I genuinely feel awful about not checking in enough, sometimes I literally cant. I wish I could tell you why. I wish I could tell me why.
I do think of you tho, if that counts for anything.
I went through something really shit just before Christmas.
I haven't told you because I just couldn't. I really struggled telling anyone because everyone sees me as this outgoing, lively person- which I am, but I lost myself for a while, and it was shocking and scary as what happened made me question everything and everyone around me; people I've known for a long time, and people I've known not as long.
It made me wonder how I present myself, what people think of me as a person and what I've done or said to contribute to that.
Its something that I've always been sensitive to, but god, as naive as it sounds, what happened knocked me for six and I never thought it would.
Something I tend to enjoy, never been ashamed of, something I had control over. Until I didnt. That control was taken from me very fast and in the most unexpected way, and the most unexpected person.
I had counselling. I went to the police, I only made an incident report because I just didnt know what to do. And now it consumes my thoughts, for what seems like every waking moment.
It drowns out music, conversation, with what if this and that.
Mainly its if I saw him in person, how would I react?
I get myself in such a state honestly, then after shaking myself, I realise that it's pretty much worthless. I wont know what I'll do in that situation, coming face to face with someone I was friends with for over 10 years, but who felt like his ego was worth more than my dignity, my privacy, my trust and my friendship.
And he doesn't even understand how much he has shook my world!
I have told him; he has admitted it. He has said sorry, that he was a stupid boy.
Does that mean he thinks its done? That he is forgiven, and it's all forgotten?
I hope it drives him mad, as much as its driven me.
I want to kill him with my bare hands. But I dont want to go near him. It would make me sick.

Thank you to me.

Thank you, me.

"Thank you, me. For taking yourself out of a situation where you cried more than you smiled or laughed... hurt more than you were loved and was lonelier than actually being alone. I truly am glad that you are not putting yourself through pain just for someone else's gain. I'm glad you loved yourself enough to be able to walk away from being told you were desperate just for wanting to feel wanted. You are more. You are worth a hell of a lot more than what he didn't bother to give you. And you know for next time; not to settle for anything less than LOVE!"

It's been a year since I broke away from this. On 15th August 2017 I finally realised: I will NEVER be happy. He will never give me what I need and I need to get out of this before I am actually as crazy as I am accused of being. Maybe it was my own fault, I was deep in denial about him. He showed me time and time again that he was not worthy of me. But I chose to ignore it because I refused to believe I had made a serious error of judgement; moving my life to be with this man.

I gave him all of me. I chipped away at the bits he didn't like... until I realised I will never be what he likes. He tolerated me. I felt it. He would sometimes make a tiny bit of effort, and then accuse me of being ungrateful.. and there I was at his feet, apologising for being me.

Ninna.

Hah, the last time I saw a big box of these was at my Ninnas when I visited her not long before she passed.
She was bed bound, she had been through hell and back and we all knew she didn't have long left.
I know what you can imagine, some old lady in bed sad and drawn- except she wasn't: she was still the life of the party.
She was made up that everyone was coming to see her, and between her long naps she was laughing, joking and flirting with the doctors, sharing a quip with anyone that would listen.
She didn't eat much, generally. But she ate a few good meals then, which was curious seeing as the cancer was in her stomach- she had a pretty good appetite.
Then there was the sweets. Maltesers on the occasion that I was visiting. She would give us a good telling off if we nicked one, and confiscated the box.
The times I spent with Ninna, especially over here in the Isle of Man, are treasured. Matthew, Lizzybeth, Terence and I always had a safe haven with her.
The mint imperials, the mobile phone she kept in her glasses case(?) "Where's your phone, Ninna?", "on the table... At home". The sleepovers where I would have a kit kat, followed by peanut butter on toast with a cup of tea whilst watching Midsomer Murders, we would say the Lord's Prayer and include every person we hold dear. Then I would get up early morn and get in to her bed and kick the poor lady in my sleep!
But she never complained.
So many memories and I can't say I ever took them for granted, because I didn't, I loved each moment spent with Ninna. She was the best. I'm glad she is up there with Granddad now, nothing else matters. It's where she always wanted to be.

What's a NINNA?

"What's a Ninna?" I would be asked with a confused expression, throughout my almost 22 years. I would sometimes revert to 'Nana' to just make life easier for myself (because people don't like different). Well, from what I know, "Nin" is a particularly popular term for a grandmother around the Liverpool area, in England.
My Ninna? Well where do I start? My Ninna was probably the centre of my world, aside from my children. She was just me Ninna. I love her, but she's gone. She has gone to live in Heaven, eternal paradise, or wherever you may believe people pass on to.
We have been expecting her to pass on for many years now, from one thing to another, but she just kept bouncing back- she was a real menace. Ninna kept us all on our toes with her quick wit and startling strength, and she never ceased to amaze us when she would smile through the pain. And God, was she in pain! She herself, was a pain. Of course I say it affectionately, as it is honestly a privelege to have known such a resilient lady. She just would never give up. Except she smoked for a lot of her life, until the doctor told her to quit. So she did, just like that, because he said that if she carried on, it would kill her. This was after her angina attack and quadrouple heart bypass, and after my aunty Christine was snipping the cigarettes in two, of the packs she held in her cupboard.Well, my aunty is a nurse, and so you can imagine her disgust when she got yelled at because "someone else could have them"- oops!
I have so many special memories of Ninna. I loved looking through her jewellery boxes, her photographs (especially her wedding ones, she actually looked like the Queen!!! Imo ;) ), and her putting my hair in curlers. Ninna's patience rarely waivered with me, as far as I can remember. After tucking me in at night we would say the Lord's prayer, and bless all of our family (name by name) until I fell asleep- then sometime in the night I would climb into bed with her and kick my legs and grind my teeth, which I'm sure drove her mad, but if it did, she didn't show it.
I remember even earlier days, in which Ninna and Granddad would swing me up in the air, when we walked around the cul-de-sac where they lived in Onchan at the time.
I also remember fondly being in their living room, between them, and Granddad pulling faces behind my back, Ninna would say "Look what he's doing, Lucy!".
On my 2nd birthday, 20th May 1995, when Granddad's beloved Everton won the Cup. My 'Uncle' Stu bought me an Everton football kit and my Granddad paraded me around, singing. My Dad and Stu were at the pub. Granddad passed in 1997, "Goodnight Mr Moon".
I loved going to church with Ninna. Although not very religious myself, I have always been overwhelmed by churches, and felt peace. One time going through her jewellery box I told her that when she dies, I'd like to have her cross and chain (out of the mouths of babes, eh?)- I was horrified when she told me later on lol!
Ninna, meeting my little angel Christopher, who she came from Kendal to see.

 I was lucky to have spent lots of Christmases with her too.

If I was to write all of our memories, we'd be here for days. But Ninna didn't want to go, her body gave up, not her. She was a constant energy, her mind was sharp and she would catch you out with her quips. I'm so proud to call her my Ninna, and we'll always be "best buds". I know I have an angel on my side. I love you xxx

Breakaway.

It's been ages since I last wrote anything. I have been on holiday to Tenerife with my Grandma and Harry, which was great. We mainly chilled out by the pool for most of it and Harry made a new friend, Morgan. Morgan and her parents, Yvette and Marco, saved us sunbeds every morning and as the children splashed away we had a good chat, they are from the Netherlands, but language was no barrier as they spoke superb English and by the time they left, their daughter had, too. Harry met his match; Morgan is a force of nature and she was always sure to stand up to him and put him in his place with a "HAR-RY!" It was very amusing to watch.
Before I had gone to Tenerife however, I had a meeting with Hamblin,  a local recruitment agency as I have finally decided to leave the Welbeck Hotel, my family's business who I worked for for about 21 years (7 officially!). It's a big leap, as its not only my workplace but my second home, and the amount I have learnt in my time there has been phenomenal. I also love the people, my colleagues and the guests, old and new. Some have watched me grow up, and through the years I have made so many friendships.
To my surprise, Hamblin already had a job lined up for me, in Barclays, and when I returned home from my trip I had my very first interview. I received a job offer the following day, and handed in my notice at the hotel. I'm not sure what it's going to be like, and I hope I will enjoy it.  It's a lot better in terms of the hours and it would also mean Harry and I will see a lot more of each other, which I am really happy about.
Anyway, Harry's best friend Rayner turns 4 today! I can't believe this day four years ago I was going to be attending Rachelle's baby shower and she had him that night, on her due date! I'm so very glad she and I made friends during our pregnancies as she has been a constant support and loves Harry and Christopher so much- as I do Rayner- and I'm so glad our boys have grown up to be so close.
My beautiful nephew Jack was born just before Christmas, and he is truly amazing! My sister and brother in law often send us pictures and videos (as they live across the water) and they are bringing him to see his Aunty Lucy and cousin Harry soon 😍.
I have deactivated my Facebook account recently and my other one is also currently not in use. My email address is lucygeorge93@hotmail.co.uk, if you wish to email me 😄.

Lots of love xxx

Happily ever afters aren't always what they seem

All throughout my life, all I've ever wanted is to settle down, get married and have children. For some people that's the last thing on their list and they want to travel and get drunk and have lots of sex in the meantime... So anyway, I didn't wait. I thought I'd found 'The One' (lol) and I got pregnant. Just like that. It didn't even occur to me that at the tender age of 17 I had what so many desired- fertility. Nope, I wanted a baby. I had two, I lost one. I thought he'd look after me and because we were both so young and immature, he didn't. I don't blame him. What we went through wasn't something anyone should have to. But it did. Of course whilst I'm talking about losing our child, I also mean getting pregnant young, whilst by no means do I regret nor would I trade my children in for any other life than I have... they were right. There was still things I wanted to do. Things I hadn't even given myself the chance to consider. I was a baby, not even a fully grown adult, in the eyes of the law I was merely a child. Fast forward twelve months later and my children's father and I had split up for the billionth and final time, just two days before their first birthday, our "engagement" ended. I'd taken up quite an important job within the family business because he couldn't find employment. Just as things came together, they were falling apart. I started saving. I seldom let anyone in, in fear they would let me down. It seemed to take forever but in November 2013, after months of hard work and a LOT of family support, I bought my house. Nearly a year after that, in 2014 I passed my driving test. I had a lot of shit thrown at me, and whilst I didn't stop moaning, I didn't stop anything else either. I fought and I won, I didn't need anyone except the people who loved me along the way, even when shit got tough, they were there. I don't need someone to love me, the ones who do always have... but it would be nice to be able to open up to somebody else.

Just goings on

I've been verrrry busy lately.

I have been taking singing lessons, which are going great- I love it and it gives me great confidence in my voice. Maybe one day I'll put it to use as I'd always meant to join one of the "amateur" (I use that term lightly, as anyone who has had the pleasure of attending any of the local theatre groups' shows would surely agree that they are all hugely talented) drama societies but never did due to pure laziness and lack of confidence.
I truly feel that my boys have really inspired me to do the things I have managed to do and it's only now I've realised how much I "missed out on" as I was so quick to jump in to family life, obviously naive enough to think that's all there was to life. However it isnt all bad- quite the contrary! I have learnt many things along the way. As I say, my biggest inspiration are my children and they are also my most fierce motivator.
I surprised myself, and everyone else by enrolling in the Business School on the Island, studying CMI. It's gruelling hours, and when I'm working the other six days it's quite tiring. It's a bit of a shock to the system, especially as we're doing assignments and I haven't done anything like this in around five years. I actually enjoyed doing essays in my English classes [about stuff I actually enjoyed] because it was a chance to argue points and write whatever I wanted. The problem I have- and have always had- is being concise. I don't half ramble on sometimes, and go completely off subject. Oops. I started my assignment today, and it's not as daunting as I initially thought [thanks to my Mum and Dad, whom, as usual, calmed my panic and gave me the confidence in myself that I can do it]. The good thing about being part of a cohort is that you can work together and support each other, and I was particularly thankful for one of the them today as talking to different people from other industries gives you a wider, more openminded perspective.
It has been a long summer at work, which has been fabulous for business *touch wood* and it's slowly calming down. I prefer being busy than being quiet, it's rewarding when a service goes well, when guests compliment the business, or the staff. It makes it all worth it, however exhausting it may sometimes be (and all the moaning I do).
Yesterday the "International Wave of Light" took place, within the Baby and Infant Loss Awareness Week (9th-15th October). I, among many, many other bereaved parents lit a candle for their little one lost. I was actually in work and attempted to light an old candle which didn't work, ha ha. The thought was there...
I will be on my travels on Friday, for a short trip to see my family. I really do love my trips to see them, and enjoy every moment I can spend with me dear old Ninski (grandmother - Ninna, Ninski, Ninnsie) as she likes to scare us, and then bounces back like she always does (Thank God!). It's been a scary time recently with all sorts occurring, but thanks to the help of my lovely Aunty and Uncle, she has been able to come through it all, once again- and we are counting our blessings. I am back there in a couple of months as well, very excited to see my cousin, and meeting her man- [properly] finally!
My cousin James has also won his first game of club Rugby, now I don't know much about the game, but I believe he is brilliant at it, I'm so proud of him. My cousin Helen has started up her website, promoting her business http://aworldofwords.co.uk/ - check it out!
My sister got married, welcoming Rodney in to our family. I had the pleasure of watching it from home (live streaming) and was overjoyed to see her walk down the aisle, and marry her best friend. I'm so glad she's happy, she deserves that.
Harry is being an absolute menace at the moment, but funnier, and more cunning every day. 'Peppa Pig' has been BANNED from the house- and about time, too.