Treasures to keep.

I don't know if you know, I haven't shouted out about it- but me and Lee are no longer together. Obviously I am not going to disclose the reasons why, but we both had our faults. I wanted it or, needed it to work. But obviously someone, somewhere had bigger plans and I reached the point where I couldn't take any more.Lee asked me to marry him in October. But a month ago when we split up, he took the ring back. After Lee talking to his Dad, who said that; no, it was a gift so it is rightfully mine- or Harry's- he gave it to me to keep. The engagement ring he gave to me is to go to Harry. The heart-shaped locket he bought me for my 17th birthday went with Christopher. Two treasures I will always keep are my boys, one in my arms and one in my heart.

Fly, fly precious one.

Today (27-4) is the anniversary of Christopher's funeral... it was heartbreaking of course. I remember having a breakdown on the way in the car, then walking up to the chapel holding my mummy and daddy's hands like a little girl. It was cloudy and I felt so sick. Seeing the casket I just broke down again... his poor Daddy had to carry him to the front on to the stand- he had the teddy bear my aunty knitted him and a single white rose. They played the wrong music (I wanted "Bring Him Home" the Les Miserables soundtrack) and I wish they had gotten it right because the rest of the service was beautiful, held by the same Minister that baptised him. As we came out the sun shone bright, it was warm. I didn't know what to say to people! "Thanks for coming"?! Me and Lee went on to the hospital to see our little fighter, I remember that night he moved in to the next incubator. My Ninna and Grandma got to meet him aswell. Then we went to the wake, where a lovely buffet was provided, we were not charged for it thanks to the owners being close friends of ours. I'm tired, I haven't cried properly for their birthday and I don't know if I need to but I feel like I should? Or should I be happy Harry's here? I miss him, I long to hold him again and do more than I did with him. I don't know what- don't ask me that. I don't know, I just hurt. He is our hero, he was tired- he told us, we held him, and he went to sleep knowing we were ok.

A symbol of innocence.

I didn't actually know this, but the white rose is a symbol of innocence. A single white rose is what we chose to lay on Christopher's casket, along with a teddy, knitted by his Great Aunty Christine. I didn't know then, but it was so fitting. He was pure, he does not have sins. His short life was a selfless one, living for his brother, mummy and daddy.
My heart is aching a lot recently, coming up to the boys' first birthday. I honestly do not know what to do for Harry's little party. How I can include Christopher without people thinking I am stuck in the past, like his memory is something of a burden to me- or them. People seem to think so and it is so untrue. I just long to hold him again.
Mothering Sunday was hard, it was also their 11-month birthday. I was in work from seven a.m. until four p.m.- not with either of my boys and I couldn't help but break down in tears a few times. My workmate hugged me and told me: "Just remember, every time you cuddle Harry, you cuddle Christopher. Christopher is always with you." It was a lovely thing to say, and my heart was warmed by it.

I had nights alone this week, staying at my Grandma's apartment while she was away, and before I went to sleep I just felt terribly lonely. Usually if Lee's not with me, Harry is. This time neither of them were there and the world suddenly revolved around me and my broken heart again. I listened to "I will carry you" by Selah- silly, I know. I cried and cried.

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life
And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

It's time.

It finally came to the point where I had to do something for Christopher. It had been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I got sent the forms for a brass plaque to be placed in the garden of remembrance up at the cemetery opposite the Grandstand. Although when I was in town I just went to the town hall and did it myself, enquiring about a bench, too, but that was a lot of money. I could afford it, but not when I'm saving for a house- which brings us on to the next thing I've been doing!
Looking at property and the conditions of the First-Time Buyer's register is quite depressing. Having to save ten percent of a mortgage is something I am willing to do, even if I am going to be skint for a long time. It would be nice to look around my home and think that I did that, I worked hard and earned that, would be wonderful.
I have recently been training for manager at my parents' hotel. It's testing but rewarding aswell. I went on two Isle of Man Welcome courses and very nearly fell asleep on both the Health & Safety and Customer Care. There is so much to learn, and even when I am "trained" there will still be more, and more, and more. Going from five or six hours, to forty a week has been easier than I thought it would be.
Also I am going to the gym (thank you, Mum & Dad!), I have lost a considerable amount already due to going three times a week! Doing all these different things leaves me the rest of the time with Harry that I value so much. He is crawling so fast now, and his little personality grows and delights me more and more every day. I bought him a 'Mr Happy' book, from the Mr Men & Little Miss series. I read it to him today and he was more interested in my foot, unfortunetly! I would love to get him as interested in books as I am. Was? Wish I was? Since I got pregnant I have no time nor patience for the books I used to read for hours on end. Reading used to take up a lot of my time, and I miss it.

Now I understand.

I'm thinking positive. Before I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want to talk about our son all the time, why people want to "forget" (move on) from the sadness. I wanted to dwell on it and wallow in my sadness. But I'm tired now. It's coming to the end of this year, I have to say I am glad. I'm leaving this year behind, getting happy. I can't let myself be dragged down when I have a healthy boy, that at one point I even wondered if he was coming home. Now I understand that Christopher lived his short life for him and I should be grateful he lived, not constantly depressed because he died. I am truly blessed to have Harry as my focus. Not a lot of people have it and I do. I do and I need to realise that. If I get sad, I won't stop it. I will let it take as long as it needs and then pull myself back together again. Now I understand what you mean. This isn't how I want it to be. You don't like seeing me down and I understand. I know you care.

Today, I'm thankful.

Today I'm thankful for being able to sit here in my pyjamas, hair scraped back, and watching Harry play in his bouncer chair. I'm thankful for good health when others have the flu (Hmm, is it safe to say that? Watch this space). Okay, so I know Thanksgiving isn't a holiday where I am but having a lot of American friends now, they inspired me to think of all the things I am grateful for.
Like loving parents who support me in everything I do, who have taken me places some people can only dream of going to. The fact they own a business I can work in, a job that I enjoy and can't wait to get back to. The reason I am a sociable person and not afraid to talk to strangers sitting next to me on the bus and become friends with them. I respect my elders and am determined to show them teenagers aren't all bad, and that respect goes both ways. The way they brought me up is the way I intend to bring my son up.
I'm thankful for Lee who sticks by me even when I whinge at him, I shout and I'm unfair. The way he is a proud daddy and would do anything for Harry. The way he has surprised me and grown up, accepted his responsibilities and started having more respect for people, love and money.
I'm thankful for friends, the family we choose for ourselves. My best friends who listen to me and are great company. They have stuck with me through everything, and they're not afraid to speak their mind and put me right.

If love could have saved you.

WHAT A YEAR!





It's been a rollercoaster, to say the least. On Wednesday 24th November 2010 we found out we were having twins, on Tuesday 21st December we found out we were to lose one to Anencephaly- a fatal birth defect that meant our baby would either die in the womb, be still born or die shortly after birth. which was a danger to the other twin, so we were given the choice to have a "selective reduction" of the anencephalic twin. A month or so later when we found out the sex (two boys, named only hours later) we were threatened with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, where they tried to tell us to stop Christopher's heart- no thanks.

By now my bump was getting bigger and it was being pictured to show to those from the other side of the world, and of course their special story. I was "meeting" people all over the United States and a few from England, Ireland, and of course Switzerland, where a true hero resides, Monika Jacquier...
Monika is the administrator of the website "anencephaly.info". Two weeks after we got the diagnosis of our baby, I googled it and it came up with images that shocked me. But after visiting Monika's site I was able to see pictures of anencephalic babies with their hats on, and off. They are all beautiful, so loved and celebrated. Proud parents send their stories to Monika to share with the world, and to promote the decision to carry their babies to full term, or as long as their bodies would let them.
There is the option to induce early also, (please do not mistake this for a termination) at any stage of the pregnancy. These parents love their child just as much as the parents that carry to term, they just cannot go through with the pregnancy knowing their child will die, for some it is the only option given, which is wrong of the doctor. The parents should always know their options.
I am proud of the decisions I made, and I'm lucky enough that Lee totally agreed with me on everything, and we decided it all together. We didn't see eye to eye through my pregnancy really, but on the important things we put our differences aside. We were apart more than we were together, but that has made us stronger. Lee proposed to me in October, we are looking to move in together next year :-). We often talk of Christopher, and we love and miss him so much. Honestly, if love could have saved you... you would have lived forever...