Bring him home.

I finally cried today

Me and my mum went to Shoprite (local supermarket in the Isle of Man) and we just parked the car and we saw a family friend with her twins, boy and a girl. She was saying how her little boy had started crawling and it's going to be mad when they're both at it because they will be going in opposite directions. As we walked away I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. It truly killed me. I wish I was chasing after both of them, that I had a twin pram, that I bought two of everything.

The day before Christopher's diagnosis, me and their daddy bought two five-piece sets of clothes and identical coats. Did I curse it? What if we hadn't bought them, what if I hadn't looked for hours for a tandem pram (longways) that I liked. Would Christopher be here, with us? Can someone tell me, why?

Bring him home.

All he wants is his two front teeth!

My poor baby Harry is teething. I have just put him to bed, swaddled- with a dosage of Calpol, some baby rice and a bottle. Hopefully he'll sleep tonight, he has been awake all day! For a three month-old, this is exhausting stuff!

We visited my best friend today and her son, it's hard to believe little Harley is just 25 weeks (exactly) older at 9 months- whilst Harry is on the floor on his belly trying to lift his head right up, Harley is walking along clinging to the furniture for support!! He is very advanced for his age though, always has been. He smiled at just 2 weeks old, and has his two bottom teeth with big lumps where his top two teeth are coming through!! Such a happy boy, absolutely gorgeous. He was so amazed by Harry.
It's great now they are just a short bus ride away, instead of half an hour. Not as good as being around the corner like she used to be but I can live with it (lol).

I'm hopefully going to take Harry swimming for the first time on Sunday. Although I really need to try out his swimming trunks before we go as they are 3-6 months (being nearly 8 weeks premature he is still small and undeveloped for his age). Really looking forward to it, so I hope they fit him!!

I need food while it is still quiet. See you later...

Thank God for Granddad!

This morning I went into town and forgot bottles for Harry, which is something I never do. There is a first for everything I guess. I'd ordered food in Café Avanti and went to get a bottle for them to heat up when I realised I hadn't got it out of the fridge. After making a call to Dad, who was thankfully not busy at the time, he raced down before Harry's 12 o'clock feed. Thankfully in time whilst he was still asleep.

I'm a bit choked up today, I keep going to call Harry Christopher. I was walking around in a daze. Just thinking about stuff. I also decided to go up to my Granddad George's grave on his birthday which is on Sunday.

Radio.

I sent an email into our local radio station "Manx Radio". Stu Peters does a debate programme at lunchtime, this was for the subject of "Should we encourage people to have more homebirths than hospital births?" This was my reply. He read the whole thing out (quite special) and also repeated it in the later show when they go over what happened in the show to anyone that missed it in the day. Our story has inspired a lot of people.

Hello Stu,

I had a high risk pregnancy which made it next to impossible for me to have a home birth, I would have felt alot easier in a hospital with staff on hand anyway.
I gave birth to my twin boys' on 18th April of this year and from 15 weeks of my pregnancy we knew we were going to lose Christopher. It was a very stressful pregnancy but Dr Fayle was superb and made sure I had scans every week. Because of the condition my son had which is a neural tube defect namely Anencephaly, which meant his brain would be missing and it would also be exposed due to lack of skull; and would therefore not be compatible with life. With my boys' being identical, sharing placenta and amniotic sac there would be a very strong chance that if Christopher passed away in my womb (which was a possibility along with him being still born), his brother Harry would be immediately severely brain damaged or also die.
A caesarean was planned for 34 weeks to make sure the boys' were delivered as fast and safely as possible.
I actually went in to labour at 32 weeks and 2 days, in Ramsey on the way back to Douglas and I was rushed to the hospital where they inserted a drip to stop contractions and also 2 sets of steroids to mature their lungs. The drip had to be stopped on the Monday and ready or not the boys' were coming.
They delivered me by caesarean section, Harry weighing just 3lb 12.5oz and Christopher (with a growth restriction) at 1lb 12oz. I had precious time with Christopher and Harry was off to SCBU which he made a fast recovery and was home in no time.
If it wasn't for the team and their fast acting I would have probably not have gotten the time with my son that was so precious. It doesn't always go the way we plan and pregnancy isn't as straightforward as thought. Home birth if you like, but the care given by the hospital where signs of danger to mother or baby can be spotted early is well worth it.

Hello, again...

It's been a while...

I stopped making overly emotive facebook statuses because I was told I was saying too much that was personal and making some people worried. I didn't mean to have this effect, it was simply that I hurt, so so bad. It was for attention, but not for everyone to say 'Aww' or 'I'm sorry', just for someone to know I'm hurting. I can't explain it. I hope you know what I mean. I just got so angry at the world.

Being as young as I am (18), a few of my friends on here are around my age. They don't "get" it. I have discussed recently with a few anen angel mummy's that I've had stuff like "Oh, you don't know the doctors are right, Christopher could get better" - this made me frustrated as I'd already accepted what was going to happen, I'd researched it and spoken to my lovely lovely fellow anen mummys and learnt to cherish every scan where I saw him and Harry and enjoy each and every kick.

Harry and Christopher were such blessings for me and as Harry thrives, I imagine what it'd be like with two of them, sometimes I smile, sometimes I cry. I love to share their story to anyone who will listen. It's a great story, and I'll take great pleasure in one day telling Harry how his brother fought for him, and their mummy and daddy.

I can't believe it has been over three months since we said 'hello' and 'goodbye'. I don't know what I want to do for a memorial. Life has gotten in the way and it has been delayed, I hope to do something soon. Me and their daddy, Lee have said we wanted to put it somewhere that's special to us.

I'm going to continue watching 'The Hills' maybe talk to you again soon.

Leave me alone, I'm lonely.

I'm hurting so much. I'm so torn between excitement and being scared. Why me? Why does Harry have to live his life without his twin brother by his side? Why must the chain be broken?

In this case, the only answer to this is, because he is too good for Earth, my little Christopher.

I feel so blessed having twins, it is so amazing because it is rare... I can't deal with the questions, and people automatically being thrilled at the fact I am a mummy of twins. Is it wrong for me to be jealous of the mums that can have both? Because it just seems so unfair to me that God is taking my little boy away. Yet I'm so excited that I have everything ready (ish) for Harry, he's my focus and I can't let him down, because he's losing his brother- he can't lose me, too.

I just wonder how I will be.
And I'm terrified.

Waiting On That Ring To Prove You're Not Alone.

I wish the father of my children would ring.



It's been 2 days since I talked to him last, and he hasn't rung since, to find out when the next scan is or whether he can re-invite himself to town with me on Saturday to choose the blankets, so they're from both of us. Because I will be so relieved when- or if- he rings because I can say he has, and he can say he has. I will maybe just snap on Wednesday if he hasn't rung by then, as he would also find out the date for my caesarean. Maybe I will just tell his mum and it'll get to him (I hope) as she plans to be over for the birth.

I wish he would understand how much I want this phone call, I want him to know everything, I want him to feel the babies kick as they go mad all the time at the moment and they haven't felt their daddy's hand for ages :(. All I do is hug my tummy and tell them I'm sorry for what their Daddy is doing...

The stupid thing is I worry about the day when he sees them and he'll regret not doing anything.