I was 17 and pregnant...with twins

Well I have just watched 16 and pregnant. I love that show, but it is so different to what it's like from here in Britain and there in America. Some of the girls show they are not ready to be mums, but they know they have to so they get on with it and go to school (for my American friends who may read this, school is only compulsory until you are 16, after your GCSE exams, you can go on to to A Levels at sixth form or college) and/or work. But some mums, like Jenelle for instance, didn't accept her responsibility and custody of her son Jace was sent to her mum. Their relationship was awful and the way she thought it ok to just leave her son with her mum whilst he was sleeping and go out partying was just plain disrespectful. I don't think anyone thought she was right to do that.
In this particular episode, Jennifer and her boyfriend Josh were together a year and within that time found out she was pregnant and expecting fraternal twin boys. Jennifer's parents and Josh didn't get along as they thought he was too old for her and disrespectful (at this point me and Lee looked at eachother and laughed, as my parents and him didn't get along either). There was tension between them all as the parents- being protective- thought that Jennifer should not give her babies Josh's name. Which is also funny, because with me and Lee being on/off quite a bit (let me remind you; these were special circumstances) people didn't get why I wanted Harry and Christopher to have their daddy's name. I just thought it was right.
Anyway, Josh's irresponsible behaviour showed and sadly, Jennifer saw what her parents did. Josh proved them right and he was just a very immature little boy in the end.
I am so glad that on many levels, Lee managed to prove my parents wrong. Although they are not one hundred percent in believing he has changed, they get on a lot better than they did. We are young, so we are bound to have our arguments, but doesn't everyone? He has been there for me and Harry and is there whenever he can be. I feel really lucky, and since we got back together in early July, I am really starting to see that he has grown up and I am nicely surprised on many occasions where he does something without me asking him to, or puts his responsibilities first. Obviously, for those who know Lee, well... he is Lee. He has his moments- but again, don't we all? I just feel content that he has changed for the better, and Harry has his Daddy around. And now, also his Nanny and Granddad who he sees every Sunday, his Ninna Nanna and Granddad and all of his other family.
Not forgetting his baby brother, who is *always* close to our hearts.

Family affairs and such

When people are horrid about babies dying whether it be still birth, or general baby/infant loss- I hate the people who say "Well I hope it happens to them, too!" I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone!
I broke down last night and it was horrid. Really sobbing, and a "why me" episode. It's the whole cliché of "It happens to other people". So to have become one of those "other people", it seems so unbelievable to me, and such a slap of reality.
I feel so protective over any pregnant person. But especially my sister in-law (well, kind of- we're not married to the brothers yet but will be :) ) found out her and my brother in-law are expecting identical twins at their twelve week scan six weeks ago. We were so surprised because of the closeness of our pregnancies and also the fact they are both identical twin pregnancies! To my relief, our loss didn't cast a shadow on how we would feel of their new-found joy. We felt it right along with them, as I wish anyone a healthy and happy pregnancy. Of course, Lee and I feel nervous for them because of what happened to us, but we both have a mutual feeling that the little bundles of joy will be right as rain.
I also feel protective over my sister in-law because she was their pretty much every step of my pregnancy as someone to talk to from afar. It's a shame there is such a considerable distance between where we both live but I had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time earlier this year when she was on the Isle of Man. I also met Lee's other brother and fiancé and it was lovely to finally meet them- so now I have met all three of his brothers, which is nice.
We visited Bishop Auckland in April last year to stay with Lee's Nana and Granddad Wade. Where I didn't bargain on meeting his mother also, who had surprised us by coming to stay. Her poor Mini suffered a 7 hour haul along the motorway, if my memory serves me right. We took a trip down to Hull, where Lee's brother and his fiancé live where we stayed the night and me and my sister in-law won Monopoly! Ha, and they said they were good...

What's new, then? Hmm, a lot actually...

I haven't written in a while, I have been pretty busy, obviously with Harry, and also returning to work. Many will know that my parents run the Welbeck Hotel, a family-run business that my grandparents owned from 1978. Then selling the business to my parents who I have worked for since April 2008. I took a while off during my pregnancy as I am a waitress but was very keen to get stuck in again!

I am very proud of the business, which is described as a "home from home". The attention to detail is noticed by many and a lot of guests return which is very encouraging and it is a pleasure to see them again. I gave a few a shock this year, though. The TT and Manx Grand Prix guests especially, who have known me since I was knee-high (and smaller) and come back religiously every year to take part or watch the motorbike races. I kind of felt sorry for them, as I was throwing in some good and bad news. First I had to surprise them all by telling them I had been pregnant and given birth to TWINS since they had been last year.

But of course I had to tell them we had lost Christopher. It's obviously the part I hate, the sudden fall of their faces when I say, well actually Christopher is in Heaven, now. It is a lot to take in. It is amazing how much changes in a year. You only realise when you haven't seen someone in a while and you have to fill them in on what you have been up to. In my case: a lot.

We said goodbye to a great man last Wednesday. Neil Kent, MGP winner of 2010... He was one of them who has come back every year to the island to race his motorbike. Even after a few years ago when he ended up in hospital when he crashed. No stopping Neil, though. Needless to say the man- who always had a smile and great energy about him whatever the weather- will be missed. He was sponsored by the Welbeck for many, many years and attended my parents' wedding in 1997. A friend to everyone, and a genuinely kind bloke. I doubt there was anything else he would have preferred to have lost his life to than racing. He really did die doing what he loved.

Rest in peace, Neil. Your endless bike-ride has begun.

Another blog, already!?

Yes, already.

My God, my heart is heavy today.
From the moment I got up this morning I have been thinking why I didn't spend more time with Christopher. Although a lot of things try and bounce in to my mind and answer that question (Harry, for instance), I kick them out.
I guess it's because someone posted in a support group that they'd taken their baby home, and another said they had their baby in the room two days after they had passed.
What happened was, I'd had Christopher in the recovery room with me after theatre, where he was baptised and also passed away, and I held him while I was wheeled to my room, family and my best friend came in and they all held him and then passed back to me. Then not long after he was taken downstairs to rest.
I had some sleeping tablets and went to meet my boy Harry at about twenty to six... I didn't see Christopher again until the day after when we held him and took more photographs.
I'm torturing myself as to why I didn't spend more time with him. I hope this feeling goes soon. It's killing me :-(

If I had a pound for every time...

Christopher, do you know how many times I speak of you in just one day?

How many times I tell yours and Harry's story?

And how I don't get tired of telling it?

You're probably sitting on my shoulder, rolling your eyes and saying "Not again, Mum..".

People say babies can see spirits, (well they also say babies' vision is upside-down? or that they can't see "yet"- when is yet over? Harry is three months now lol) well something always seems to catch Harry's eye, and when I mean catch his eye, it's so intense. Call me crazy, but I always wonder is he looking at Christopher?

I talked to a fellow angel mummy tonight who also lost her twin son (not to Anencephaly, like Christopher), Jayden- twin to Alfie. I asked her does she think our sons miss their twin? It's a serious question. After 32 weeks and 4 days together in the womb, you'd think Harry would notice the difference. Below is a picture of Harry just born, as if to say "Where am I?". If he could talk he would have probably said "Where is he [Christopher]?"

I miss my baby boy so much, I wish I had a double pram that was a nightmare to fit through doorways. I wish I was watching them giggle at eachother. There is such a big hole in my heart, the chain is forever broken...

We little knew that morning

that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

and your love is still our guide,

And although we cannot see you

you are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing feels the same,

But! as God calls us one by one

the chain will link again.

- Author unknown.

Bring him home.

I finally cried today

Me and my mum went to Shoprite (local supermarket in the Isle of Man) and we just parked the car and we saw a family friend with her twins, boy and a girl. She was saying how her little boy had started crawling and it's going to be mad when they're both at it because they will be going in opposite directions. As we walked away I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. It truly killed me. I wish I was chasing after both of them, that I had a twin pram, that I bought two of everything.

The day before Christopher's diagnosis, me and their daddy bought two five-piece sets of clothes and identical coats. Did I curse it? What if we hadn't bought them, what if I hadn't looked for hours for a tandem pram (longways) that I liked. Would Christopher be here, with us? Can someone tell me, why?

Bring him home.

All he wants is his two front teeth!

My poor baby Harry is teething. I have just put him to bed, swaddled- with a dosage of Calpol, some baby rice and a bottle. Hopefully he'll sleep tonight, he has been awake all day! For a three month-old, this is exhausting stuff!

We visited my best friend today and her son, it's hard to believe little Harley is just 25 weeks (exactly) older at 9 months- whilst Harry is on the floor on his belly trying to lift his head right up, Harley is walking along clinging to the furniture for support!! He is very advanced for his age though, always has been. He smiled at just 2 weeks old, and has his two bottom teeth with big lumps where his top two teeth are coming through!! Such a happy boy, absolutely gorgeous. He was so amazed by Harry.
It's great now they are just a short bus ride away, instead of half an hour. Not as good as being around the corner like she used to be but I can live with it (lol).

I'm hopefully going to take Harry swimming for the first time on Sunday. Although I really need to try out his swimming trunks before we go as they are 3-6 months (being nearly 8 weeks premature he is still small and undeveloped for his age). Really looking forward to it, so I hope they fit him!!

I need food while it is still quiet. See you later...