Breakaway.

It's been ages since I last wrote anything. I have been on holiday to Tenerife with my Grandma and Harry, which was great. We mainly chilled out by the pool for most of it and Harry made a new friend, Morgan. Morgan and her parents, Yvette and Marco, saved us sunbeds every morning and as the children splashed away we had a good chat, they are from the Netherlands, but language was no barrier as they spoke superb English and by the time they left, their daughter had, too. Harry met his match; Morgan is a force of nature and she was always sure to stand up to him and put him in his place with a "HAR-RY!" It was very amusing to watch.
Before I had gone to Tenerife however, I had a meeting with Hamblin,  a local recruitment agency as I have finally decided to leave the Welbeck Hotel, my family's business who I worked for for about 21 years (7 officially!). It's a big leap, as its not only my workplace but my second home, and the amount I have learnt in my time there has been phenomenal. I also love the people, my colleagues and the guests, old and new. Some have watched me grow up, and through the years I have made so many friendships.
To my surprise, Hamblin already had a job lined up for me, in Barclays, and when I returned home from my trip I had my very first interview. I received a job offer the following day, and handed in my notice at the hotel. I'm not sure what it's going to be like, and I hope I will enjoy it.  It's a lot better in terms of the hours and it would also mean Harry and I will see a lot more of each other, which I am really happy about.
Anyway, Harry's best friend Rayner turns 4 today! I can't believe this day four years ago I was going to be attending Rachelle's baby shower and she had him that night, on her due date! I'm so very glad she and I made friends during our pregnancies as she has been a constant support and loves Harry and Christopher so much- as I do Rayner- and I'm so glad our boys have grown up to be so close.
My beautiful nephew Jack was born just before Christmas, and he is truly amazing! My sister and brother in law often send us pictures and videos (as they live across the water) and they are bringing him to see his Aunty Lucy and cousin Harry soon 😍.
I have deactivated my Facebook account recently and my other one is also currently not in use. My email address is lucygeorge93@hotmail.co.uk, if you wish to email me 😄.

Lots of love xxx

Happily ever afters aren't always what they seem

All throughout my life, all I've ever wanted is to settle down, get married and have children. For some people that's the last thing on their list and they want to travel and get drunk and have lots of sex in the meantime... So anyway, I didn't wait. I thought I'd found 'The One' (lol) and I got pregnant. Just like that. It didn't even occur to me that at the tender age of 17 I had what so many desired- fertility. Nope, I wanted a baby. I had two, I lost one. I thought he'd look after me and because we were both so young and immature, he didn't. I don't blame him. What we went through wasn't something anyone should have to. But it did. Of course whilst I'm talking about losing our child, I also mean getting pregnant young, whilst by no means do I regret nor would I trade my children in for any other life than I have... they were right. There was still things I wanted to do. Things I hadn't even given myself the chance to consider. I was a baby, not even a fully grown adult, in the eyes of the law I was merely a child. Fast forward twelve months later and my children's father and I had split up for the billionth and final time, just two days before their first birthday, our "engagement" ended. I'd taken up quite an important job within the family business because he couldn't find employment. Just as things came together, they were falling apart. I started saving. I seldom let anyone in, in fear they would let me down. It seemed to take forever but in November 2013, after months of hard work and a LOT of family support, I bought my house. Nearly a year after that, in 2014 I passed my driving test. I had a lot of shit thrown at me, and whilst I didn't stop moaning, I didn't stop anything else either. I fought and I won, I didn't need anyone except the people who loved me along the way, even when shit got tough, they were there. I don't need someone to love me, the ones who do always have... but it would be nice to be able to open up to somebody else.

Just goings on

I've been verrrry busy lately.

I have been taking singing lessons, which are going great- I love it and it gives me great confidence in my voice. Maybe one day I'll put it to use as I'd always meant to join one of the "amateur" (I use that term lightly, as anyone who has had the pleasure of attending any of the local theatre groups' shows would surely agree that they are all hugely talented) drama societies but never did due to pure laziness and lack of confidence.
I truly feel that my boys have really inspired me to do the things I have managed to do and it's only now I've realised how much I "missed out on" as I was so quick to jump in to family life, obviously naive enough to think that's all there was to life. However it isnt all bad- quite the contrary! I have learnt many things along the way. As I say, my biggest inspiration are my children and they are also my most fierce motivator.
I surprised myself, and everyone else by enrolling in the Business School on the Island, studying CMI. It's gruelling hours, and when I'm working the other six days it's quite tiring. It's a bit of a shock to the system, especially as we're doing assignments and I haven't done anything like this in around five years. I actually enjoyed doing essays in my English classes [about stuff I actually enjoyed] because it was a chance to argue points and write whatever I wanted. The problem I have- and have always had- is being concise. I don't half ramble on sometimes, and go completely off subject. Oops. I started my assignment today, and it's not as daunting as I initially thought [thanks to my Mum and Dad, whom, as usual, calmed my panic and gave me the confidence in myself that I can do it]. The good thing about being part of a cohort is that you can work together and support each other, and I was particularly thankful for one of the them today as talking to different people from other industries gives you a wider, more openminded perspective.
It has been a long summer at work, which has been fabulous for business *touch wood* and it's slowly calming down. I prefer being busy than being quiet, it's rewarding when a service goes well, when guests compliment the business, or the staff. It makes it all worth it, however exhausting it may sometimes be (and all the moaning I do).
Yesterday the "International Wave of Light" took place, within the Baby and Infant Loss Awareness Week (9th-15th October). I, among many, many other bereaved parents lit a candle for their little one lost. I was actually in work and attempted to light an old candle which didn't work, ha ha. The thought was there...
I will be on my travels on Friday, for a short trip to see my family. I really do love my trips to see them, and enjoy every moment I can spend with me dear old Ninski (grandmother - Ninna, Ninski, Ninnsie) as she likes to scare us, and then bounces back like she always does (Thank God!). It's been a scary time recently with all sorts occurring, but thanks to the help of my lovely Aunty and Uncle, she has been able to come through it all, once again- and we are counting our blessings. I am back there in a couple of months as well, very excited to see my cousin, and meeting her man- [properly] finally!
My cousin James has also won his first game of club Rugby, now I don't know much about the game, but I believe he is brilliant at it, I'm so proud of him. My cousin Helen has started up her website, promoting her business http://aworldofwords.co.uk/ - check it out!
My sister got married, welcoming Rodney in to our family. I had the pleasure of watching it from home (live streaming) and was overjoyed to see her walk down the aisle, and marry her best friend. I'm so glad she's happy, she deserves that.
Harry is being an absolute menace at the moment, but funnier, and more cunning every day. 'Peppa Pig' has been BANNED from the house- and about time, too.

Learning how to walk, how to breathe

Just a few short poems, and literature giving me some comfort tonight...

If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ask me if I was 'over' it. They would ask how I was doing learning to walk without my leg. I was learning how to walk and breathe without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before - Elizabeth Edwards

Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane travelling west, crossing the dateline again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss is still ahead, and you are here, instead of sorrow - Nessa Rapaport

As you danced in the light, love lifted you. As you brushed the world so gently, you lifted us - TC Ring

That through the radiance which once shine so bright
Be forever taken from my sight
Thou nothing can restore the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower
I will grieve not but find strength in what remains
Behind
- William Wordsworth

My little man, what centuries of light did you travel to reach us here, your stay so shortlived; in the twinkling of an eye, you were moving on, bearing our name and a splinter of the human cross we suffer; flashed upon us, like a beacon, we wait in darkness for that light to come round, knowing at heart you shine on forever for us - Hugh O'donnell

In the Midst of Life

It seems everyone is so afraid of death nowadays. Once, what was to be a community ritual to respect the dead, those now turn their backs; unwilling to accept the bereavement and display of grief by the loved ones who mourn.
The dead are at peace, they do not care for what they have left behind, they are ... Well, wherever you believe they are: Heaven, the after life, or maybe you don't believe anything... Maybe you have not needed to think what happens after we die, and therefore ignorant to it. I, however, think of it daily. Losing someone- many people in fact- to death, means it is part of my every day life. I am not afraid of it, and I often share my wonders of Christopher's departing and I am often looked upon with pity. The way I have handled my grief, not many understand; I have been open- some regard it as too much so, and therefore they have recoiled in shock, ignorance and denial. But I digress, in one's disapproval.
I have been reading Jennifer Worth's books (Call the Midwife, In the Midst of Life) and I am intrigued by the ways of life, the standards of care that were in place and the contrasts between then and now, and disturbingly how some things are still the same in many places around the world, today in 2014.
"The good old days" are something many people go on about, as if it was perfect and nothing could ever go wrong. Some will fiercely disregard the fact anything could possibly be better now, than it was then. On the contrary and more than one cares to admit, the world has changed for the better in so many ways. Of course, there are the standards in things such as health care, that there are bits we should go back to like bringing back Matron, the strict practices that ensure nurses and doctors alike would carry out their jobs properly and with the highest regard for their patients. I'm not saying their weren't any faults back then, of course not. But those who had their training on the job, and not in colleges definitely had a better understanding and level of care, contrary to the graduates who go in to nurses thinking they are above doing bedpans.
As always I have drifted quite off subject and reluctant to carry on. Have a good day.

I'm getting on, don't knock me back.

This week is a build up to Harry and Christopher's 3rd birthday. I can feel the anxiety building up as in my head I can't help but run through everything I went through in that period. On Wednesday I would have been going in to labour, on Friday I would have been going in to theatre. I know I need to stop looking back and look in to the future instead but that's something that the grief just won't let me do. It's a constant battle of guilt: if I don't think about Christopher or if I don't "just" enjoy Harry. I want to "just" enjoy Harry, I'd do anything to have the burden taken away but I cannot and will not deny my grief for his brother. Maybe over time it will lessen some, but with them being twins all I can think about is both of them because that's how they should be- together. If I could just have a break from it, (which doesn't mean a break from Harry) I'd be grateful. I love my angel but sometimes it's hard to bear, and I have echoes of peoples voices in my head telling me "not to remind myself" as if I forget, as if he's not on my mind all the time like Harry is. I'm sick of the knowing it's always going to be this way. It's unpredictable when it's going to spring up on me, and when it does I can't control it. I don't understand how I'm going to live with it. But then I realise I have. I have lived and I have done things that people thought I was unable to do. Thanks to the support of family and friends around me I've been able to express myself when needed and with that I've got on with my life, I didn't let it get me down. Just because some people see on Facebook that I'm not always happy "like I should be because at least I have Harry", what they don't see is what I have done, what I'm doing. Getting up and going to work, protecting Harry by putting a roof over his head and making sure he will be okay when I "leave". I go to the gym to make sure I am in good health so I can look after him and be a positive energy in his life. All the rest of the things are left to me. I would never burden him with my troubles, he won't see my pain because I won't ever let my personal struggle be the centre of our world. I cannot stress enough how much I've put aside to care for him more than myself. So the people who punish me for grieving in my own personal way can say what they wish. I will not infect them with what happened to me, what happened to me will never hurt their living children or themselves. If they don't want me in their life because I bring them down, they will have to walk out themselves because I am entitled to that little chance I get to express my grief, that doesn't just come when I am on Facebook, and share a picture or a memory or a statement. That is a constant bane of my life. I cannot pick and choose when it does come but trust me when it does it knocks me in to next week. It storms through me and I'm angry SO SO SO angry because I feel robbed. Nothing will ever make that better but I will live with it, and I'm "getting on with it" because I want to, not only that but it's the only choice I have.

My new normal.

There's a 'new normal' you have to get used to after you lose a child. It's not something you want or choose to do, it's not a good thing nor a bad thing. It's just what happens. You change, and while the world keeps going you just want to step off and be able to breathe; free from all life's challenges. You're no longer the person you used to be, mother or father- it affects you in the deepest way.
I feel like I entered my 'new normal' when Christopher was actually diagnosed in the womb. They said he had Anencephaly and he wouldn't live- I accepted it there and then. I knew what they were saying was true, for some reason I didn't even think maybe they could be wrong- before I even stepped in to that room somewhere in me knew already.
In that moment I changed. The world had somehow kept spinning but my world had stopped, frozen in time trying to adjust to my 'new normal'. And for the millionth time I think "Thank God for Harry".
It's not easy to just keep going. But where there is life, there is hope and with all the strength I had left I gripped on to that.
I had to get on with it, when Christopher died I spent that night with him and then the next day at 6am, I was thrown in to mummy duties. It was as if "that's done and over with, now you have a healthy baby to look after and be excited about".
Eight months after and so much had changed. I was sad and lonely despite being with Lee things weren't that great between us either. I went back to work and then about two months later we split up, and he told me I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, working and raising Harry as a single parent. I'd have to give up work and I could kiss good bye to the dream of buying a house because that was never going to work without him.
But I did it.
Despite my 'new normal', despite becoming a mum to twins at the tender age of 17 and being a single mum. I managed. You get through it. It doesn't make you a hero, but it doesn't make you any less of a person either. You just 'are'.
I'm 21 in May and I kind of think, what next? I feel like I've done everything when everyone around my age has just begun to live their lives. I love my house, my job and my little boy dearly. My friends are true and I appreciate the time they give me, even if sometimes I struggle to find the time for them. I can't help feeling like I shouldn't have to be alone, and it would be nice to share it with someone. It scares me how independent I have become, when I want something done I don't wait for anyone else and I just do it, which is a good thing in a way but it's very isolating and trying to fit someone else in to that seems impossible right now. It would take someone with a lot of patience, love and understanding to take me on. I need a balance that will make things a little bit of the 'new normal' seem more bearable.