I don't know how I am going to ever get past this point. I miss Christopher and I just want him back. He's my little boy. Yes, I got 37 minutes with him, but no - it's not enough. I've had enough now and I just want him back. I want to go back in time and relive the moment when I met him, and lay him on my chest and cuddle him.
It seems it all happened in a blur, and I want to make that blur clear. I envy the pregnant women who don't have a worry in the world (ok, I'm being a little unrealistic- everyone has their worries). The other day I was in town and someone I don't particularly like, was heavily pregnant and standing their, full of it, smoking. She stood like she owned the street, as if to say "Look at me". Argh, it really disgusted me.
That same day I had seen countless twin prams, and as I was about to get in a lift a lady came out of it carrying a carseat- and then she turned and picked another up. My heart broke a little bit more. Oh I am happy for her, happy for anyone with healthy twins- but so envious. I could hardly walk home. I broke down many a time, even having to sit down and just breathe. People just walked past and looked at me like I was mad. I was uncontrollably crying and just had to ring someone to calm me down, so I rang my mum as Lee was at work. Luckily she was home early that day so it was only 15 minutes away. I just needed to get home, though, so I had to pull myself together and walk on.
Sometimes my little Harry shouts so much I can't hear the TV, I don't mind at all. I'd rather have two of them shouting so I couldn't hear a thing.
I then think, "Well, I know so many arms that are empty" so that makes me feel guilty. I beat myself up about so much and really ought to stop.
Harry is doing new things every day now, and it makes me swell with pride. No one was lying that being a mother is the most rewarding thing in the world. He tries to grab the spoon off me when I'm feeding him now, so I give him a spare which he then tries to put in his mouth. Agh, I nearly cry with how proud I am. He will occasionally wave bye-bye when you wave at him, too.
I am very lucky in the way he is such a good baby, his routine is amazing.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx Miss You Christopher xXxXxXxXxXx
