Mine and Lee's little babies are both kicking and two hearts beating which is always fab. But it's rare not to have a complication with multiple births.
Tuesday 21st December 2010
When I was 15 weeks and 5 days, I was woken up at 6.30am by my dad ringing me from Australia, he'd gotten a text from the hotel over the road from ours that our hotel's fire alarm was going off. I was in the apartments at the time, and they have seperate alarm systems. So me and Lee went downstairs and checked everything was ok. We went back up to the apartment.
I was due a flu jab at 8.40am, so as tired as I was I got a shower and got dressed ready to go. We had the flu jab and everything was fine, we made our way up to the hospital as I had a scan scheduled for 9.40. We sat down in the cafe and had some breakfast, then made our way to the waiting room. Our name was called and I lay on the bed, and the lady started the wand on belly and we looked at what we call 'Baby 2'. Everything was fine, we saw him/her wriggling around and waving and its little heart pumping away steadily with the measurements fine. What a relief.
The lady went on to find the next baby who was also wriggling around, with a steady heartbeat.
But this time she wasn't going to tell us our baby was fine, doing very well and measuring at the correct week. Instead, she turned to us and she told us that she's sorry, this baby isn't very well at all. That the baby has a neural tube defect called Anencephaly. My baby wasn't going to live.
I couldn't breathe, I was so shocked I just cried. What had happened, why wasn't my baby going to be ok when the other baby was perfectly fine? It's not fair and it's not right. She had to be wrong, we'd only just gotten used to the idea of having twins. And the image in my head just shattered to pieces, taken away in one fell swoop.
We were moved to another room, and I was getting texts off my mum and dad asking if everything was ok, and they were waiting to hear from me. I couldn't reply, I just cried, and cried and cried into Lee's chest for so long.
My doctor was called and he explained the facts, telling us we had 'options'. The first, was to selective terminate the pregnancy which could very likely harm my other baby, too. Second option, to terminate the whole pregnancy. And third, to carry the babies as long as I could which could also harm baby 2 if baby 1 perishes in the womb. Of course we chose the last option- how could we not? So, my baby could miscarry, be still born or die a few hours or more after birth.
We were to be seen by the doctor later in the day anyway so we left. In the corridor, I had to ring my mum. But I couldn't speak for crying, so I gave the phone to Lee and he explained what had happened. My mum wanted the first flight back, but as I was travelling to my Aunty's that night anyway I told her don't worry, just try and enjoy your holiday.
That was meant to be the shortest day of the year... it turned out to be the longest, and most excruciating time of my life. It's not fair, but I've looked up Anencephaly and seen babies who have graced the earth for hours, even days. And they are absolutely beautiful, a different kind of beauty which is simply too great, and too beautiful for this Earth. I hope I get as much time with them as I can and let my babies know eachother outside of the womb. I've got good faith and I hope we will be okay.
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