A symbol of innocence.

I didn't actually know this, but the white rose is a symbol of innocence. A single white rose is what we chose to lay on Christopher's casket, along with a teddy, knitted by his Great Aunty Christine. I didn't know then, but it was so fitting. He was pure, he does not have sins. His short life was a selfless one, living for his brother, mummy and daddy.
My heart is aching a lot recently, coming up to the boys' first birthday. I honestly do not know what to do for Harry's little party. How I can include Christopher without people thinking I am stuck in the past, like his memory is something of a burden to me- or them. People seem to think so and it is so untrue. I just long to hold him again.
Mothering Sunday was hard, it was also their 11-month birthday. I was in work from seven a.m. until four p.m.- not with either of my boys and I couldn't help but break down in tears a few times. My workmate hugged me and told me: "Just remember, every time you cuddle Harry, you cuddle Christopher. Christopher is always with you." It was a lovely thing to say, and my heart was warmed by it.

I had nights alone this week, staying at my Grandma's apartment while she was away, and before I went to sleep I just felt terribly lonely. Usually if Lee's not with me, Harry is. This time neither of them were there and the world suddenly revolved around me and my broken heart again. I listened to "I will carry you" by Selah- silly, I know. I cried and cried.

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life
And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you