I decided to try and be a good friend haha. I'm not just saying this I genuinely feel awful about not checking in enough, sometimes I literally cant. I wish I could tell you why. I wish I could tell me why.
I do think of you tho, if that counts for anything.
I went through something really shit just before Christmas.
I haven't told you because I just couldn't. I really struggled telling anyone because everyone sees me as this outgoing, lively person- which I am, but I lost myself for a while, and it was shocking and scary as what happened made me question everything and everyone around me; people I've known for a long time, and people I've known not as long.
It made me wonder how I present myself, what people think of me as a person and what I've done or said to contribute to that.
Its something that I've always been sensitive to, but god, as naive as it sounds, what happened knocked me for six and I never thought it would.
Something I tend to enjoy, never been ashamed of, something I had control over. Until I didnt. That control was taken from me very fast and in the most unexpected way, and the most unexpected person.
I had counselling. I went to the police, I only made an incident report because I just didnt know what to do. And now it consumes my thoughts, for what seems like every waking moment.
It drowns out music, conversation, with what if this and that.
Mainly its if I saw him in person, how would I react?
I get myself in such a state honestly, then after shaking myself, I realise that it's pretty much worthless. I wont know what I'll do in that situation, coming face to face with someone I was friends with for over 10 years, but who felt like his ego was worth more than my dignity, my privacy, my trust and my friendship.
And he doesn't even understand how much he has shook my world!
I have told him; he has admitted it. He has said sorry, that he was a stupid boy.
Does that mean he thinks its done? That he is forgiven, and it's all forgotten?
I hope it drives him mad, as much as its driven me.
I want to kill him with my bare hands. But I dont want to go near him. It would make me sick.
