Leave me alone, I'm lonely.

I'm hurting so much. I'm so torn between excitement and being scared. Why me? Why does Harry have to live his life without his twin brother by his side? Why must the chain be broken?

In this case, the only answer to this is, because he is too good for Earth, my little Christopher.

I feel so blessed having twins, it is so amazing because it is rare... I can't deal with the questions, and people automatically being thrilled at the fact I am a mummy of twins. Is it wrong for me to be jealous of the mums that can have both? Because it just seems so unfair to me that God is taking my little boy away. Yet I'm so excited that I have everything ready (ish) for Harry, he's my focus and I can't let him down, because he's losing his brother- he can't lose me, too.

I just wonder how I will be.
And I'm terrified.

Waiting On That Ring To Prove You're Not Alone.

I wish the father of my children would ring.



It's been 2 days since I talked to him last, and he hasn't rung since, to find out when the next scan is or whether he can re-invite himself to town with me on Saturday to choose the blankets, so they're from both of us. Because I will be so relieved when- or if- he rings because I can say he has, and he can say he has. I will maybe just snap on Wednesday if he hasn't rung by then, as he would also find out the date for my caesarean. Maybe I will just tell his mum and it'll get to him (I hope) as she plans to be over for the birth.

I wish he would understand how much I want this phone call, I want him to know everything, I want him to feel the babies kick as they go mad all the time at the moment and they haven't felt their daddy's hand for ages :(. All I do is hug my tummy and tell them I'm sorry for what their Daddy is doing...

The stupid thing is I worry about the day when he sees them and he'll regret not doing anything.