What's new, then? Hmm, a lot actually...

I haven't written in a while, I have been pretty busy, obviously with Harry, and also returning to work. Many will know that my parents run the Welbeck Hotel, a family-run business that my grandparents owned from 1978. Then selling the business to my parents who I have worked for since April 2008. I took a while off during my pregnancy as I am a waitress but was very keen to get stuck in again!

I am very proud of the business, which is described as a "home from home". The attention to detail is noticed by many and a lot of guests return which is very encouraging and it is a pleasure to see them again. I gave a few a shock this year, though. The TT and Manx Grand Prix guests especially, who have known me since I was knee-high (and smaller) and come back religiously every year to take part or watch the motorbike races. I kind of felt sorry for them, as I was throwing in some good and bad news. First I had to surprise them all by telling them I had been pregnant and given birth to TWINS since they had been last year.

But of course I had to tell them we had lost Christopher. It's obviously the part I hate, the sudden fall of their faces when I say, well actually Christopher is in Heaven, now. It is a lot to take in. It is amazing how much changes in a year. You only realise when you haven't seen someone in a while and you have to fill them in on what you have been up to. In my case: a lot.

We said goodbye to a great man last Wednesday. Neil Kent, MGP winner of 2010... He was one of them who has come back every year to the island to race his motorbike. Even after a few years ago when he ended up in hospital when he crashed. No stopping Neil, though. Needless to say the man- who always had a smile and great energy about him whatever the weather- will be missed. He was sponsored by the Welbeck for many, many years and attended my parents' wedding in 1997. A friend to everyone, and a genuinely kind bloke. I doubt there was anything else he would have preferred to have lost his life to than racing. He really did die doing what he loved.

Rest in peace, Neil. Your endless bike-ride has begun.

Another blog, already!?

Yes, already.

My God, my heart is heavy today.
From the moment I got up this morning I have been thinking why I didn't spend more time with Christopher. Although a lot of things try and bounce in to my mind and answer that question (Harry, for instance), I kick them out.
I guess it's because someone posted in a support group that they'd taken their baby home, and another said they had their baby in the room two days after they had passed.
What happened was, I'd had Christopher in the recovery room with me after theatre, where he was baptised and also passed away, and I held him while I was wheeled to my room, family and my best friend came in and they all held him and then passed back to me. Then not long after he was taken downstairs to rest.
I had some sleeping tablets and went to meet my boy Harry at about twenty to six... I didn't see Christopher again until the day after when we held him and took more photographs.
I'm torturing myself as to why I didn't spend more time with him. I hope this feeling goes soon. It's killing me :-(

If I had a pound for every time...

Christopher, do you know how many times I speak of you in just one day?

How many times I tell yours and Harry's story?

And how I don't get tired of telling it?

You're probably sitting on my shoulder, rolling your eyes and saying "Not again, Mum..".

People say babies can see spirits, (well they also say babies' vision is upside-down? or that they can't see "yet"- when is yet over? Harry is three months now lol) well something always seems to catch Harry's eye, and when I mean catch his eye, it's so intense. Call me crazy, but I always wonder is he looking at Christopher?

I talked to a fellow angel mummy tonight who also lost her twin son (not to Anencephaly, like Christopher), Jayden- twin to Alfie. I asked her does she think our sons miss their twin? It's a serious question. After 32 weeks and 4 days together in the womb, you'd think Harry would notice the difference. Below is a picture of Harry just born, as if to say "Where am I?". If he could talk he would have probably said "Where is he [Christopher]?"

I miss my baby boy so much, I wish I had a double pram that was a nightmare to fit through doorways. I wish I was watching them giggle at eachother. There is such a big hole in my heart, the chain is forever broken...

We little knew that morning

that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

and your love is still our guide,

And although we cannot see you

you are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing feels the same,

But! as God calls us one by one

the chain will link again.

- Author unknown.