With you, always

I'm sitting here after a late one at work. I decided to put the pyjamas that I held Christopher for the last time, on. My heart hurts, I am so tired. I want him back in my arms so badly. All one pounds and twelve ounces of him. I long for more time with him. He is mine. My little froggie 🐸. I miss you dearly and love you with all I have. Night night, stay close to me tonight. Oh, you x

Because I can, so I will.

Never take your chances at motherhood for granted, they could be snatched away in an instant. The moment you know you are a mum, you should change. Everything, your whole outlook on life. If it doesn't, something is very wrong. I've changed, I know I've changed. I don't know how I cope sometimes, it's very lonely being a single and working mum. It's tough, from the moment you wake, you are theirs. They need you all day until someone else can take over and you can go to work, until twelve that night- half eleven if you're lucky. Then you go to bed and wake up and do it all again. But I wouldn't change that. It's rewarding like you wouldn't believe. Getting out of bed is a struggle for me, Harry is truly the only reason I do- but I do. When I look around the door to see Harry standing in his cot, or bouncing. and smiling at me it tugs at my heart. I love him so much. He takes my patience to the limits when he is ill and won't eat or drink- but really, that's the only time. The other times I struggle are possibly when I just get a bit overwhelmed by everything, suddenly everything that has happened over the past couple of years hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm knocked for six. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm happy. I'm frustrated. It was me that made that pregnancy happen- I missed the pill. The person who can throw that back in my face every time is the same person who promised me the world yet finds it difficult to secure work and pay his way. No, I'm not really bothered about the financial side of things... all I need is time. Time for Harry and time for me. It would be nice just to have that person turn up with a bag of nappies when he turns up for a few hours on a weekend. I ask for him to look after Harry whilst I work- NOT while I get hammered- while I WORK! And this is babysitting, a chore. The point he seems to miss is that I work towards getting a house for his son and me, because that's something I could never depend on him for. I'm ANGRY. Can anyone blame me? Can anyone honestly say that I haven't got a right to express my feelings. I can only do this by typing. To the world. Fxck- who cares? Shoot me. I got an A* for my drama performance and no one expects me to need an audience? People blog for different reasons, well this is my reason. Because I can, so I will.
I'm going to bed.

Oh Harry. My wonderful Happy

This boy is a life saver. Him and his brother are two of a kind. It tugs at my heart when he wants me, when he needs his mummy. It's an absolute honour to be Harry and Christopher's mummy. He is the one and only reason I get up in the morning, 1- because he's shouting "mama" at me and 2- I need to feed him. That's my job as a mum to fulfil his requirements, and what a joy. What on Earth would I be doing otherwise? My life was so empty before. Who said becoming a mum at 17 was a bad thing? When all you can see in your future is a baby. Well I got one more than I bargained for, but they were so worth every choice I made. I love you both unconditionally. Now, tomorrow and forever. Until we meet, again, Christopher, my tiny angel- we will look after your big brother together and I know you're somewhere I can't bring you back; but you made my life. Made one hell of a story.

Treasures to keep.

I don't know if you know, I haven't shouted out about it- but me and Lee are no longer together. Obviously I am not going to disclose the reasons why, but we both had our faults. I wanted it or, needed it to work. But obviously someone, somewhere had bigger plans and I reached the point where I couldn't take any more.Lee asked me to marry him in October. But a month ago when we split up, he took the ring back. After Lee talking to his Dad, who said that; no, it was a gift so it is rightfully mine- or Harry's- he gave it to me to keep. The engagement ring he gave to me is to go to Harry. The heart-shaped locket he bought me for my 17th birthday went with Christopher. Two treasures I will always keep are my boys, one in my arms and one in my heart.

Fly, fly precious one.

Today (27-4) is the anniversary of Christopher's funeral... it was heartbreaking of course. I remember having a breakdown on the way in the car, then walking up to the chapel holding my mummy and daddy's hands like a little girl. It was cloudy and I felt so sick. Seeing the casket I just broke down again... his poor Daddy had to carry him to the front on to the stand- he had the teddy bear my aunty knitted him and a single white rose. They played the wrong music (I wanted "Bring Him Home" the Les Miserables soundtrack) and I wish they had gotten it right because the rest of the service was beautiful, held by the same Minister that baptised him. As we came out the sun shone bright, it was warm. I didn't know what to say to people! "Thanks for coming"?! Me and Lee went on to the hospital to see our little fighter, I remember that night he moved in to the next incubator. My Ninna and Grandma got to meet him aswell. Then we went to the wake, where a lovely buffet was provided, we were not charged for it thanks to the owners being close friends of ours. I'm tired, I haven't cried properly for their birthday and I don't know if I need to but I feel like I should? Or should I be happy Harry's here? I miss him, I long to hold him again and do more than I did with him. I don't know what- don't ask me that. I don't know, I just hurt. He is our hero, he was tired- he told us, we held him, and he went to sleep knowing we were ok.

A symbol of innocence.

I didn't actually know this, but the white rose is a symbol of innocence. A single white rose is what we chose to lay on Christopher's casket, along with a teddy, knitted by his Great Aunty Christine. I didn't know then, but it was so fitting. He was pure, he does not have sins. His short life was a selfless one, living for his brother, mummy and daddy.
My heart is aching a lot recently, coming up to the boys' first birthday. I honestly do not know what to do for Harry's little party. How I can include Christopher without people thinking I am stuck in the past, like his memory is something of a burden to me- or them. People seem to think so and it is so untrue. I just long to hold him again.
Mothering Sunday was hard, it was also their 11-month birthday. I was in work from seven a.m. until four p.m.- not with either of my boys and I couldn't help but break down in tears a few times. My workmate hugged me and told me: "Just remember, every time you cuddle Harry, you cuddle Christopher. Christopher is always with you." It was a lovely thing to say, and my heart was warmed by it.

I had nights alone this week, staying at my Grandma's apartment while she was away, and before I went to sleep I just felt terribly lonely. Usually if Lee's not with me, Harry is. This time neither of them were there and the world suddenly revolved around me and my broken heart again. I listened to "I will carry you" by Selah- silly, I know. I cried and cried.

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies

Wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life
And I will praise the one who's chosen me

To carry you

It's time.

It finally came to the point where I had to do something for Christopher. It had been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I got sent the forms for a brass plaque to be placed in the garden of remembrance up at the cemetery opposite the Grandstand. Although when I was in town I just went to the town hall and did it myself, enquiring about a bench, too, but that was a lot of money. I could afford it, but not when I'm saving for a house- which brings us on to the next thing I've been doing!
Looking at property and the conditions of the First-Time Buyer's register is quite depressing. Having to save ten percent of a mortgage is something I am willing to do, even if I am going to be skint for a long time. It would be nice to look around my home and think that I did that, I worked hard and earned that, would be wonderful.
I have recently been training for manager at my parents' hotel. It's testing but rewarding aswell. I went on two Isle of Man Welcome courses and very nearly fell asleep on both the Health & Safety and Customer Care. There is so much to learn, and even when I am "trained" there will still be more, and more, and more. Going from five or six hours, to forty a week has been easier than I thought it would be.
Also I am going to the gym (thank you, Mum & Dad!), I have lost a considerable amount already due to going three times a week! Doing all these different things leaves me the rest of the time with Harry that I value so much. He is crawling so fast now, and his little personality grows and delights me more and more every day. I bought him a 'Mr Happy' book, from the Mr Men & Little Miss series. I read it to him today and he was more interested in my foot, unfortunetly! I would love to get him as interested in books as I am. Was? Wish I was? Since I got pregnant I have no time nor patience for the books I used to read for hours on end. Reading used to take up a lot of my time, and I miss it.