With you, always

I'm sitting here after a late one at work. I decided to put the pyjamas that I held Christopher for the last time, on. My heart hurts, I am so tired. I want him back in my arms so badly. All one pounds and twelve ounces of him. I long for more time with him. He is mine. My little froggie 🐸. I miss you dearly and love you with all I have. Night night, stay close to me tonight. Oh, you x

Because I can, so I will.

Never take your chances at motherhood for granted, they could be snatched away in an instant. The moment you know you are a mum, you should change. Everything, your whole outlook on life. If it doesn't, something is very wrong. I've changed, I know I've changed. I don't know how I cope sometimes, it's very lonely being a single and working mum. It's tough, from the moment you wake, you are theirs. They need you all day until someone else can take over and you can go to work, until twelve that night- half eleven if you're lucky. Then you go to bed and wake up and do it all again. But I wouldn't change that. It's rewarding like you wouldn't believe. Getting out of bed is a struggle for me, Harry is truly the only reason I do- but I do. When I look around the door to see Harry standing in his cot, or bouncing. and smiling at me it tugs at my heart. I love him so much. He takes my patience to the limits when he is ill and won't eat or drink- but really, that's the only time. The other times I struggle are possibly when I just get a bit overwhelmed by everything, suddenly everything that has happened over the past couple of years hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm knocked for six. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm happy. I'm frustrated. It was me that made that pregnancy happen- I missed the pill. The person who can throw that back in my face every time is the same person who promised me the world yet finds it difficult to secure work and pay his way. No, I'm not really bothered about the financial side of things... all I need is time. Time for Harry and time for me. It would be nice just to have that person turn up with a bag of nappies when he turns up for a few hours on a weekend. I ask for him to look after Harry whilst I work- NOT while I get hammered- while I WORK! And this is babysitting, a chore. The point he seems to miss is that I work towards getting a house for his son and me, because that's something I could never depend on him for. I'm ANGRY. Can anyone blame me? Can anyone honestly say that I haven't got a right to express my feelings. I can only do this by typing. To the world. Fxck- who cares? Shoot me. I got an A* for my drama performance and no one expects me to need an audience? People blog for different reasons, well this is my reason. Because I can, so I will.
I'm going to bed.

Oh Harry. My wonderful Happy

This boy is a life saver. Him and his brother are two of a kind. It tugs at my heart when he wants me, when he needs his mummy. It's an absolute honour to be Harry and Christopher's mummy. He is the one and only reason I get up in the morning, 1- because he's shouting "mama" at me and 2- I need to feed him. That's my job as a mum to fulfil his requirements, and what a joy. What on Earth would I be doing otherwise? My life was so empty before. Who said becoming a mum at 17 was a bad thing? When all you can see in your future is a baby. Well I got one more than I bargained for, but they were so worth every choice I made. I love you both unconditionally. Now, tomorrow and forever. Until we meet, again, Christopher, my tiny angel- we will look after your big brother together and I know you're somewhere I can't bring you back; but you made my life. Made one hell of a story.