I'm getting on, don't knock me back.

This week is a build up to Harry and Christopher's 3rd birthday. I can feel the anxiety building up as in my head I can't help but run through everything I went through in that period. On Wednesday I would have been going in to labour, on Friday I would have been going in to theatre. I know I need to stop looking back and look in to the future instead but that's something that the grief just won't let me do. It's a constant battle of guilt: if I don't think about Christopher or if I don't "just" enjoy Harry. I want to "just" enjoy Harry, I'd do anything to have the burden taken away but I cannot and will not deny my grief for his brother. Maybe over time it will lessen some, but with them being twins all I can think about is both of them because that's how they should be- together. If I could just have a break from it, (which doesn't mean a break from Harry) I'd be grateful. I love my angel but sometimes it's hard to bear, and I have echoes of peoples voices in my head telling me "not to remind myself" as if I forget, as if he's not on my mind all the time like Harry is. I'm sick of the knowing it's always going to be this way. It's unpredictable when it's going to spring up on me, and when it does I can't control it. I don't understand how I'm going to live with it. But then I realise I have. I have lived and I have done things that people thought I was unable to do. Thanks to the support of family and friends around me I've been able to express myself when needed and with that I've got on with my life, I didn't let it get me down. Just because some people see on Facebook that I'm not always happy "like I should be because at least I have Harry", what they don't see is what I have done, what I'm doing. Getting up and going to work, protecting Harry by putting a roof over his head and making sure he will be okay when I "leave". I go to the gym to make sure I am in good health so I can look after him and be a positive energy in his life. All the rest of the things are left to me. I would never burden him with my troubles, he won't see my pain because I won't ever let my personal struggle be the centre of our world. I cannot stress enough how much I've put aside to care for him more than myself. So the people who punish me for grieving in my own personal way can say what they wish. I will not infect them with what happened to me, what happened to me will never hurt their living children or themselves. If they don't want me in their life because I bring them down, they will have to walk out themselves because I am entitled to that little chance I get to express my grief, that doesn't just come when I am on Facebook, and share a picture or a memory or a statement. That is a constant bane of my life. I cannot pick and choose when it does come but trust me when it does it knocks me in to next week. It storms through me and I'm angry SO SO SO angry because I feel robbed. Nothing will ever make that better but I will live with it, and I'm "getting on with it" because I want to, not only that but it's the only choice I have.