My new normal.

There's a 'new normal' you have to get used to after you lose a child. It's not something you want or choose to do, it's not a good thing nor a bad thing. It's just what happens. You change, and while the world keeps going you just want to step off and be able to breathe; free from all life's challenges. You're no longer the person you used to be, mother or father- it affects you in the deepest way.
I feel like I entered my 'new normal' when Christopher was actually diagnosed in the womb. They said he had Anencephaly and he wouldn't live- I accepted it there and then. I knew what they were saying was true, for some reason I didn't even think maybe they could be wrong- before I even stepped in to that room somewhere in me knew already.
In that moment I changed. The world had somehow kept spinning but my world had stopped, frozen in time trying to adjust to my 'new normal'. And for the millionth time I think "Thank God for Harry".
It's not easy to just keep going. But where there is life, there is hope and with all the strength I had left I gripped on to that.
I had to get on with it, when Christopher died I spent that night with him and then the next day at 6am, I was thrown in to mummy duties. It was as if "that's done and over with, now you have a healthy baby to look after and be excited about".
Eight months after and so much had changed. I was sad and lonely despite being with Lee things weren't that great between us either. I went back to work and then about two months later we split up, and he told me I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, working and raising Harry as a single parent. I'd have to give up work and I could kiss good bye to the dream of buying a house because that was never going to work without him.
But I did it.
Despite my 'new normal', despite becoming a mum to twins at the tender age of 17 and being a single mum. I managed. You get through it. It doesn't make you a hero, but it doesn't make you any less of a person either. You just 'are'.
I'm 21 in May and I kind of think, what next? I feel like I've done everything when everyone around my age has just begun to live their lives. I love my house, my job and my little boy dearly. My friends are true and I appreciate the time they give me, even if sometimes I struggle to find the time for them. I can't help feeling like I shouldn't have to be alone, and it would be nice to share it with someone. It scares me how independent I have become, when I want something done I don't wait for anyone else and I just do it, which is a good thing in a way but it's very isolating and trying to fit someone else in to that seems impossible right now. It would take someone with a lot of patience, love and understanding to take me on. I need a balance that will make things a little bit of the 'new normal' seem more bearable.