Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Last night I went to search for my friend on Facebook, to realise she has deleted me. I post on Facebook a lot as it's my only outlet. I don't have a partner to share news with, be happy with or go to when I'm upset, so I tell my friends. Some people may say I expose too much of myself on there emotionally and leave myself open to negativity and harsh comments.

So I'm not going to say I was totally surprised. But I did ask why, and the answer shocked me. Bearing in mind this is a friend that I told when I got the news that Christopher was poorly and she visited me at the hospital the day I had my boys. She's never shared any qualms with me talking about Christopher, and seemingly welcomed me to talk to her when I was ever upset or in need of a friend.

Let me tell you now, child loss is not infectious, but it's an incurable kind of disease that I will never just "get over". I struggle daily bringing up Harry singlehanded, especially at the moment it's particularly tough as he goes through a stage of not listening to what I say, totally ignoring punishment and asking for anyone but me all of the time. It's a typical thing I know, but working full time too, then trying to stimulate a nearly-three year old is exhausting.

When I'm alone, it seems all the things that I could think about that makes me upset, I do. It's as if I've been occupying my mind all day to avoid, suddenly that part of my brain relaxes any barriers and all I can think about is the fact that I'm alone. Harry's in bed, so I can't go anywhere or do anything; and I'm tired so I wouldn't want to anyway. My friends are either at work, or busy and most of then have children now so they're unable to come around.

So this "friend" has a little boy who's not one yet. I searched for her and she wasn't there. So I asked her why...

"Yeah I did, only because you're constantly putting hashtags and statuses about Christopher and I can't deal with it. I have a son and it just upsets me when you constantly broadcast the fact you have lost a son. Everyone knows you have and everyone knows it's the worst possible thing that could ever happen. I just don't want anything to happen to **** and it's horrible always being reminded of what happened to you.
I'm sorry for not talking you first so don't say silly things like that. But I see my son and I don't want anything to happen to him, I couldn't deal with it."

Apparently I'm being irrational, thinking that she could have talked to me first and explained her reasons- even though they are invalid anyway. I keep my son's memory alive because he is my child, I held him and he was here. People would say something if I didn't talk about him, and quite frankly I'd feel an overwhelming guilt- like every time someone asks me how many children I have? I have two.

So if you have a problem, speak now- or forever hold your peace.