Hope.

After being unable to sleep last night with Harry up every hour, I went back to bed when he did - only to be awoken about ten minutes later to the sound of someone hammering outside. I had that much of a headache my nose started to bleed. I am exhausted and feel alone, as always. It's not easy being a single mum and trying to do everything at once, with no one to ask for help or have a rant at when I'm angry. I feel like I'm just taking up everyone's homepage with stupid attention-seeking statuses. If I wrote how I really felt, people would be worried. But I don't want to burden anyone, that only makes me feel worse. Asking for help is a massive step that I struggle with and I don't know who to turn to. I have been offered several times a shoulder to cry on or someone to 'scream' at. But when it comes to, I just don't have the words.
Maybe I need counselling, someone who knows what questions to ask so I can give the answers that I need to say. I know I'm falling in to a rut.
This Wednesday, and Thursday just gone, I went for two long walks which was great. As soon as I dropped Harry off on the Wednesday, I went along the promenade and up towards Groudle, and then turned back. It took me just over an hour to get home and I felt refreshed, but soon went back to bed, unwilling to do anything more. Thursday, me and a friend went walking up to Marine Drive and put the world to rights as we fought the cold air. I then met up with another friend, picked Harry up and went to work. Harry was feeling the effects of being at nursery four days a week and slept on me for an hour and a half until I had to work.
He was dropped off at 7am the following morning, and we went to bed again, waking up at 9. I made plans with my Grandma who picked me up at 12 to go searching for a dryer, as I only have a washer-dryer. I'd finally sold my dishwasher so I now had the space. I really look forward to the call on Monday to arrange a time for delivery- sad, eh? But I have saved and saved, ready for the year ahead to hopefully visit my sister, and my aunty and at the end of this month I'll be going clothes shopping in Liverpool, which is needed as one of the main things getting me down right now is the fact I can hardly fit in to my clothes (hence the walking).
I have also signed up to a class for drama on Tuesday nights starting in May, which should give me something to look forward to. Acting is one of my favourite things, having gained an A* in my drama performance in my last year of high school.
This time of year I always get down, remembering how three years ago I would have been still waddling around with a huge baby bump with my two gorgeous boys. I had so much to look forward to, yet living on tender hooks knowing anything could happen next. I could go in to labour, earlier than planned. My scans were every week, and we just lived for them. We wouldn't know what Harry and Christopher had planned, whether he was getting tired or he was okay. I was buying for Harry, things like blankets, cot, pram, steriliser.. not even knowing if I'd get to use them. But I had hope, and that's what got me through.