What's new, then? Hmm, a lot actually...

I haven't written in a while, I have been pretty busy, obviously with Harry, and also returning to work. Many will know that my parents run the Welbeck Hotel, a family-run business that my grandparents owned from 1978. Then selling the business to my parents who I have worked for since April 2008. I took a while off during my pregnancy as I am a waitress but was very keen to get stuck in again!

I am very proud of the business, which is described as a "home from home". The attention to detail is noticed by many and a lot of guests return which is very encouraging and it is a pleasure to see them again. I gave a few a shock this year, though. The TT and Manx Grand Prix guests especially, who have known me since I was knee-high (and smaller) and come back religiously every year to take part or watch the motorbike races. I kind of felt sorry for them, as I was throwing in some good and bad news. First I had to surprise them all by telling them I had been pregnant and given birth to TWINS since they had been last year.

But of course I had to tell them we had lost Christopher. It's obviously the part I hate, the sudden fall of their faces when I say, well actually Christopher is in Heaven, now. It is a lot to take in. It is amazing how much changes in a year. You only realise when you haven't seen someone in a while and you have to fill them in on what you have been up to. In my case: a lot.

We said goodbye to a great man last Wednesday. Neil Kent, MGP winner of 2010... He was one of them who has come back every year to the island to race his motorbike. Even after a few years ago when he ended up in hospital when he crashed. No stopping Neil, though. Needless to say the man- who always had a smile and great energy about him whatever the weather- will be missed. He was sponsored by the Welbeck for many, many years and attended my parents' wedding in 1997. A friend to everyone, and a genuinely kind bloke. I doubt there was anything else he would have preferred to have lost his life to than racing. He really did die doing what he loved.

Rest in peace, Neil. Your endless bike-ride has begun.

Another blog, already!?

Yes, already.

My God, my heart is heavy today.
From the moment I got up this morning I have been thinking why I didn't spend more time with Christopher. Although a lot of things try and bounce in to my mind and answer that question (Harry, for instance), I kick them out.
I guess it's because someone posted in a support group that they'd taken their baby home, and another said they had their baby in the room two days after they had passed.
What happened was, I'd had Christopher in the recovery room with me after theatre, where he was baptised and also passed away, and I held him while I was wheeled to my room, family and my best friend came in and they all held him and then passed back to me. Then not long after he was taken downstairs to rest.
I had some sleeping tablets and went to meet my boy Harry at about twenty to six... I didn't see Christopher again until the day after when we held him and took more photographs.
I'm torturing myself as to why I didn't spend more time with him. I hope this feeling goes soon. It's killing me :-(

If I had a pound for every time...

Christopher, do you know how many times I speak of you in just one day?

How many times I tell yours and Harry's story?

And how I don't get tired of telling it?

You're probably sitting on my shoulder, rolling your eyes and saying "Not again, Mum..".

People say babies can see spirits, (well they also say babies' vision is upside-down? or that they can't see "yet"- when is yet over? Harry is three months now lol) well something always seems to catch Harry's eye, and when I mean catch his eye, it's so intense. Call me crazy, but I always wonder is he looking at Christopher?

I talked to a fellow angel mummy tonight who also lost her twin son (not to Anencephaly, like Christopher), Jayden- twin to Alfie. I asked her does she think our sons miss their twin? It's a serious question. After 32 weeks and 4 days together in the womb, you'd think Harry would notice the difference. Below is a picture of Harry just born, as if to say "Where am I?". If he could talk he would have probably said "Where is he [Christopher]?"

I miss my baby boy so much, I wish I had a double pram that was a nightmare to fit through doorways. I wish I was watching them giggle at eachother. There is such a big hole in my heart, the chain is forever broken...

We little knew that morning

that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

and your love is still our guide,

And although we cannot see you

you are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing feels the same,

But! as God calls us one by one

the chain will link again.

- Author unknown.

Bring him home.

I finally cried today

Me and my mum went to Shoprite (local supermarket in the Isle of Man) and we just parked the car and we saw a family friend with her twins, boy and a girl. She was saying how her little boy had started crawling and it's going to be mad when they're both at it because they will be going in opposite directions. As we walked away I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. It truly killed me. I wish I was chasing after both of them, that I had a twin pram, that I bought two of everything.

The day before Christopher's diagnosis, me and their daddy bought two five-piece sets of clothes and identical coats. Did I curse it? What if we hadn't bought them, what if I hadn't looked for hours for a tandem pram (longways) that I liked. Would Christopher be here, with us? Can someone tell me, why?

Bring him home.

All he wants is his two front teeth!

My poor baby Harry is teething. I have just put him to bed, swaddled- with a dosage of Calpol, some baby rice and a bottle. Hopefully he'll sleep tonight, he has been awake all day! For a three month-old, this is exhausting stuff!

We visited my best friend today and her son, it's hard to believe little Harley is just 25 weeks (exactly) older at 9 months- whilst Harry is on the floor on his belly trying to lift his head right up, Harley is walking along clinging to the furniture for support!! He is very advanced for his age though, always has been. He smiled at just 2 weeks old, and has his two bottom teeth with big lumps where his top two teeth are coming through!! Such a happy boy, absolutely gorgeous. He was so amazed by Harry.
It's great now they are just a short bus ride away, instead of half an hour. Not as good as being around the corner like she used to be but I can live with it (lol).

I'm hopefully going to take Harry swimming for the first time on Sunday. Although I really need to try out his swimming trunks before we go as they are 3-6 months (being nearly 8 weeks premature he is still small and undeveloped for his age). Really looking forward to it, so I hope they fit him!!

I need food while it is still quiet. See you later...

Thank God for Granddad!

This morning I went into town and forgot bottles for Harry, which is something I never do. There is a first for everything I guess. I'd ordered food in Café Avanti and went to get a bottle for them to heat up when I realised I hadn't got it out of the fridge. After making a call to Dad, who was thankfully not busy at the time, he raced down before Harry's 12 o'clock feed. Thankfully in time whilst he was still asleep.

I'm a bit choked up today, I keep going to call Harry Christopher. I was walking around in a daze. Just thinking about stuff. I also decided to go up to my Granddad George's grave on his birthday which is on Sunday.

Radio.

I sent an email into our local radio station "Manx Radio". Stu Peters does a debate programme at lunchtime, this was for the subject of "Should we encourage people to have more homebirths than hospital births?" This was my reply. He read the whole thing out (quite special) and also repeated it in the later show when they go over what happened in the show to anyone that missed it in the day. Our story has inspired a lot of people.

Hello Stu,

I had a high risk pregnancy which made it next to impossible for me to have a home birth, I would have felt alot easier in a hospital with staff on hand anyway.
I gave birth to my twin boys' on 18th April of this year and from 15 weeks of my pregnancy we knew we were going to lose Christopher. It was a very stressful pregnancy but Dr Fayle was superb and made sure I had scans every week. Because of the condition my son had which is a neural tube defect namely Anencephaly, which meant his brain would be missing and it would also be exposed due to lack of skull; and would therefore not be compatible with life. With my boys' being identical, sharing placenta and amniotic sac there would be a very strong chance that if Christopher passed away in my womb (which was a possibility along with him being still born), his brother Harry would be immediately severely brain damaged or also die.
A caesarean was planned for 34 weeks to make sure the boys' were delivered as fast and safely as possible.
I actually went in to labour at 32 weeks and 2 days, in Ramsey on the way back to Douglas and I was rushed to the hospital where they inserted a drip to stop contractions and also 2 sets of steroids to mature their lungs. The drip had to be stopped on the Monday and ready or not the boys' were coming.
They delivered me by caesarean section, Harry weighing just 3lb 12.5oz and Christopher (with a growth restriction) at 1lb 12oz. I had precious time with Christopher and Harry was off to SCBU which he made a fast recovery and was home in no time.
If it wasn't for the team and their fast acting I would have probably not have gotten the time with my son that was so precious. It doesn't always go the way we plan and pregnancy isn't as straightforward as thought. Home birth if you like, but the care given by the hospital where signs of danger to mother or baby can be spotted early is well worth it.