It's time.

It finally came to the point where I had to do something for Christopher. It had been playing on my mind a lot recently, and I got sent the forms for a brass plaque to be placed in the garden of remembrance up at the cemetery opposite the Grandstand. Although when I was in town I just went to the town hall and did it myself, enquiring about a bench, too, but that was a lot of money. I could afford it, but not when I'm saving for a house- which brings us on to the next thing I've been doing!
Looking at property and the conditions of the First-Time Buyer's register is quite depressing. Having to save ten percent of a mortgage is something I am willing to do, even if I am going to be skint for a long time. It would be nice to look around my home and think that I did that, I worked hard and earned that, would be wonderful.
I have recently been training for manager at my parents' hotel. It's testing but rewarding aswell. I went on two Isle of Man Welcome courses and very nearly fell asleep on both the Health & Safety and Customer Care. There is so much to learn, and even when I am "trained" there will still be more, and more, and more. Going from five or six hours, to forty a week has been easier than I thought it would be.
Also I am going to the gym (thank you, Mum & Dad!), I have lost a considerable amount already due to going three times a week! Doing all these different things leaves me the rest of the time with Harry that I value so much. He is crawling so fast now, and his little personality grows and delights me more and more every day. I bought him a 'Mr Happy' book, from the Mr Men & Little Miss series. I read it to him today and he was more interested in my foot, unfortunetly! I would love to get him as interested in books as I am. Was? Wish I was? Since I got pregnant I have no time nor patience for the books I used to read for hours on end. Reading used to take up a lot of my time, and I miss it.

Now I understand.

I'm thinking positive. Before I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want to talk about our son all the time, why people want to "forget" (move on) from the sadness. I wanted to dwell on it and wallow in my sadness. But I'm tired now. It's coming to the end of this year, I have to say I am glad. I'm leaving this year behind, getting happy. I can't let myself be dragged down when I have a healthy boy, that at one point I even wondered if he was coming home. Now I understand that Christopher lived his short life for him and I should be grateful he lived, not constantly depressed because he died. I am truly blessed to have Harry as my focus. Not a lot of people have it and I do. I do and I need to realise that. If I get sad, I won't stop it. I will let it take as long as it needs and then pull myself back together again. Now I understand what you mean. This isn't how I want it to be. You don't like seeing me down and I understand. I know you care.

Today, I'm thankful.

Today I'm thankful for being able to sit here in my pyjamas, hair scraped back, and watching Harry play in his bouncer chair. I'm thankful for good health when others have the flu (Hmm, is it safe to say that? Watch this space). Okay, so I know Thanksgiving isn't a holiday where I am but having a lot of American friends now, they inspired me to think of all the things I am grateful for.
Like loving parents who support me in everything I do, who have taken me places some people can only dream of going to. The fact they own a business I can work in, a job that I enjoy and can't wait to get back to. The reason I am a sociable person and not afraid to talk to strangers sitting next to me on the bus and become friends with them. I respect my elders and am determined to show them teenagers aren't all bad, and that respect goes both ways. The way they brought me up is the way I intend to bring my son up.
I'm thankful for Lee who sticks by me even when I whinge at him, I shout and I'm unfair. The way he is a proud daddy and would do anything for Harry. The way he has surprised me and grown up, accepted his responsibilities and started having more respect for people, love and money.
I'm thankful for friends, the family we choose for ourselves. My best friends who listen to me and are great company. They have stuck with me through everything, and they're not afraid to speak their mind and put me right.

If love could have saved you.

WHAT A YEAR!





It's been a rollercoaster, to say the least. On Wednesday 24th November 2010 we found out we were having twins, on Tuesday 21st December we found out we were to lose one to Anencephaly- a fatal birth defect that meant our baby would either die in the womb, be still born or die shortly after birth. which was a danger to the other twin, so we were given the choice to have a "selective reduction" of the anencephalic twin. A month or so later when we found out the sex (two boys, named only hours later) we were threatened with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, where they tried to tell us to stop Christopher's heart- no thanks.

By now my bump was getting bigger and it was being pictured to show to those from the other side of the world, and of course their special story. I was "meeting" people all over the United States and a few from England, Ireland, and of course Switzerland, where a true hero resides, Monika Jacquier...
Monika is the administrator of the website "anencephaly.info". Two weeks after we got the diagnosis of our baby, I googled it and it came up with images that shocked me. But after visiting Monika's site I was able to see pictures of anencephalic babies with their hats on, and off. They are all beautiful, so loved and celebrated. Proud parents send their stories to Monika to share with the world, and to promote the decision to carry their babies to full term, or as long as their bodies would let them.
There is the option to induce early also, (please do not mistake this for a termination) at any stage of the pregnancy. These parents love their child just as much as the parents that carry to term, they just cannot go through with the pregnancy knowing their child will die, for some it is the only option given, which is wrong of the doctor. The parents should always know their options.
I am proud of the decisions I made, and I'm lucky enough that Lee totally agreed with me on everything, and we decided it all together. We didn't see eye to eye through my pregnancy really, but on the important things we put our differences aside. We were apart more than we were together, but that has made us stronger. Lee proposed to me in October, we are looking to move in together next year :-). We often talk of Christopher, and we love and miss him so much. Honestly, if love could have saved you... you would have lived forever...

That's ENOUGH

I don't know how I am going to ever get past this point. I miss Christopher and I just want him back. He's my little boy. Yes, I got 37 minutes with him, but no - it's not enough. I've had enough now and I just want him back. I want to go back in time and relive the moment when I met him, and lay him on my chest and cuddle him.
It seems it all happened in a blur, and I want to make that blur clear. I envy the pregnant women who don't have a worry in the world (ok, I'm being a little unrealistic- everyone has their worries). The other day I was in town and someone I don't particularly like, was heavily pregnant and standing their, full of it, smoking. She stood like she owned the street, as if to say "Look at me". Argh, it really disgusted me.
That same day I had seen countless twin prams, and as I was about to get in a lift a lady came out of it carrying a carseat- and then she turned and picked another up. My heart broke a little bit more. Oh I am happy for her, happy for anyone with healthy twins- but so envious. I could hardly walk home. I broke down many a time, even having to sit down and just breathe. People just walked past and looked at me like I was mad. I was uncontrollably crying and just had to ring someone to calm me down, so I rang my mum as Lee was at work. Luckily she was home early that day so it was only 15 minutes away. I just needed to get home, though, so I had to pull myself together and walk on.
Sometimes my little Harry shouts so much I can't hear the TV, I don't mind at all. I'd rather have two of them shouting so I couldn't hear a thing.
I then think, "Well, I know so many arms that are empty" so that makes me feel guilty. I beat myself up about so much and really ought to stop.
Harry is doing new things every day now, and it makes me swell with pride. No one was lying that being a mother is the most rewarding thing in the world. He tries to grab the spoon off me when I'm feeding him now, so I give him a spare which he then tries to put in his mouth. Agh, I nearly cry with how proud I am. He will occasionally wave bye-bye when you wave at him, too.
I am very lucky in the way he is such a good baby, his routine is amazing.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx Miss You Christopher xXxXxXxXxXx

I was 17 and pregnant...with twins

Well I have just watched 16 and pregnant. I love that show, but it is so different to what it's like from here in Britain and there in America. Some of the girls show they are not ready to be mums, but they know they have to so they get on with it and go to school (for my American friends who may read this, school is only compulsory until you are 16, after your GCSE exams, you can go on to to A Levels at sixth form or college) and/or work. But some mums, like Jenelle for instance, didn't accept her responsibility and custody of her son Jace was sent to her mum. Their relationship was awful and the way she thought it ok to just leave her son with her mum whilst he was sleeping and go out partying was just plain disrespectful. I don't think anyone thought she was right to do that.
In this particular episode, Jennifer and her boyfriend Josh were together a year and within that time found out she was pregnant and expecting fraternal twin boys. Jennifer's parents and Josh didn't get along as they thought he was too old for her and disrespectful (at this point me and Lee looked at eachother and laughed, as my parents and him didn't get along either). There was tension between them all as the parents- being protective- thought that Jennifer should not give her babies Josh's name. Which is also funny, because with me and Lee being on/off quite a bit (let me remind you; these were special circumstances) people didn't get why I wanted Harry and Christopher to have their daddy's name. I just thought it was right.
Anyway, Josh's irresponsible behaviour showed and sadly, Jennifer saw what her parents did. Josh proved them right and he was just a very immature little boy in the end.
I am so glad that on many levels, Lee managed to prove my parents wrong. Although they are not one hundred percent in believing he has changed, they get on a lot better than they did. We are young, so we are bound to have our arguments, but doesn't everyone? He has been there for me and Harry and is there whenever he can be. I feel really lucky, and since we got back together in early July, I am really starting to see that he has grown up and I am nicely surprised on many occasions where he does something without me asking him to, or puts his responsibilities first. Obviously, for those who know Lee, well... he is Lee. He has his moments- but again, don't we all? I just feel content that he has changed for the better, and Harry has his Daddy around. And now, also his Nanny and Granddad who he sees every Sunday, his Ninna Nanna and Granddad and all of his other family.
Not forgetting his baby brother, who is *always* close to our hearts.

Family affairs and such

When people are horrid about babies dying whether it be still birth, or general baby/infant loss- I hate the people who say "Well I hope it happens to them, too!" I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone!
I broke down last night and it was horrid. Really sobbing, and a "why me" episode. It's the whole cliché of "It happens to other people". So to have become one of those "other people", it seems so unbelievable to me, and such a slap of reality.
I feel so protective over any pregnant person. But especially my sister in-law (well, kind of- we're not married to the brothers yet but will be :) ) found out her and my brother in-law are expecting identical twins at their twelve week scan six weeks ago. We were so surprised because of the closeness of our pregnancies and also the fact they are both identical twin pregnancies! To my relief, our loss didn't cast a shadow on how we would feel of their new-found joy. We felt it right along with them, as I wish anyone a healthy and happy pregnancy. Of course, Lee and I feel nervous for them because of what happened to us, but we both have a mutual feeling that the little bundles of joy will be right as rain.
I also feel protective over my sister in-law because she was their pretty much every step of my pregnancy as someone to talk to from afar. It's a shame there is such a considerable distance between where we both live but I had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time earlier this year when she was on the Isle of Man. I also met Lee's other brother and fiancé and it was lovely to finally meet them- so now I have met all three of his brothers, which is nice.
We visited Bishop Auckland in April last year to stay with Lee's Nana and Granddad Wade. Where I didn't bargain on meeting his mother also, who had surprised us by coming to stay. Her poor Mini suffered a 7 hour haul along the motorway, if my memory serves me right. We took a trip down to Hull, where Lee's brother and his fiancé live where we stayed the night and me and my sister in-law won Monopoly! Ha, and they said they were good...