Today I'm thankful for being able to sit here in my pyjamas, hair scraped back, and watching Harry play in his bouncer chair. I'm thankful for good health when others have the flu (Hmm, is it safe to say that? Watch this space). Okay, so I know Thanksgiving isn't a holiday where I am but having a lot of American friends now, they inspired me to think of all the things I am grateful for.
Like loving parents who support me in everything I do, who have taken me places some people can only dream of going to. The fact they own a business I can work in, a job that I enjoy and can't wait to get back to. The reason I am a sociable person and not afraid to talk to strangers sitting next to me on the bus and become friends with them. I respect my elders and am determined to show them teenagers aren't all bad, and that respect goes both ways. The way they brought me up is the way I intend to bring my son up.
I'm thankful for Lee who sticks by me even when I whinge at him, I shout and I'm unfair. The way he is a proud daddy and would do anything for Harry. The way he has surprised me and grown up, accepted his responsibilities and started having more respect for people, love and money.
I'm thankful for friends, the family we choose for ourselves. My best friends who listen to me and are great company. They have stuck with me through everything, and they're not afraid to speak their mind and put me right.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Saturday, 12 November 2011
If love could have saved you.
WHAT A YEAR!
It's been a rollercoaster, to say the least. On Wednesday 24th November 2010 we found out we were having twins, on Tuesday 21st December we found out we were to lose one to Anencephaly- a fatal birth defect that meant our baby would either die in the womb, be still born or die shortly after birth. which was a danger to the other twin, so we were given the choice to have a "selective reduction" of the anencephalic twin. A month or so later when we found out the sex (two boys, named only hours later) we were threatened with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, where they tried to tell us to stop Christopher's heart- no thanks.
By now my bump was getting bigger and it was being pictured to show to those from the other side of the world, and of course their special story. I was "meeting" people all over the United States and a few from England, Ireland, and of course Switzerland, where a true hero resides, Monika Jacquier...
Monika is the administrator of the website "anencephaly.info". Two weeks after we got the diagnosis of our baby, I googled it and it came up with images that shocked me. But after visiting Monika's site I was able to see pictures of anencephalic babies with their hats on, and off. They are all beautiful, so loved and celebrated. Proud parents send their stories to Monika to share with the world, and to promote the decision to carry their babies to full term, or as long as their bodies would let them.
There is the option to induce early also, (please do not mistake this for a termination) at any stage of the pregnancy. These parents love their child just as much as the parents that carry to term, they just cannot go through with the pregnancy knowing their child will die, for some it is the only option given, which is wrong of the doctor. The parents should always know their options.
I am proud of the decisions I made, and I'm lucky enough that Lee totally agreed with me on everything, and we decided it all together. We didn't see eye to eye through my pregnancy really, but on the important things we put our differences aside. We were apart more than we were together, but that has made us stronger. Lee proposed to me in October, we are looking to move in together next year :-). We often talk of Christopher, and we love and miss him so much. Honestly, if love could have saved you... you would have lived forever...
It's been a rollercoaster, to say the least. On Wednesday 24th November 2010 we found out we were having twins, on Tuesday 21st December we found out we were to lose one to Anencephaly- a fatal birth defect that meant our baby would either die in the womb, be still born or die shortly after birth. which was a danger to the other twin, so we were given the choice to have a "selective reduction" of the anencephalic twin. A month or so later when we found out the sex (two boys, named only hours later) we were threatened with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, where they tried to tell us to stop Christopher's heart- no thanks.
By now my bump was getting bigger and it was being pictured to show to those from the other side of the world, and of course their special story. I was "meeting" people all over the United States and a few from England, Ireland, and of course Switzerland, where a true hero resides, Monika Jacquier...
Monika is the administrator of the website "anencephaly.info". Two weeks after we got the diagnosis of our baby, I googled it and it came up with images that shocked me. But after visiting Monika's site I was able to see pictures of anencephalic babies with their hats on, and off. They are all beautiful, so loved and celebrated. Proud parents send their stories to Monika to share with the world, and to promote the decision to carry their babies to full term, or as long as their bodies would let them.
There is the option to induce early also, (please do not mistake this for a termination) at any stage of the pregnancy. These parents love their child just as much as the parents that carry to term, they just cannot go through with the pregnancy knowing their child will die, for some it is the only option given, which is wrong of the doctor. The parents should always know their options.
I am proud of the decisions I made, and I'm lucky enough that Lee totally agreed with me on everything, and we decided it all together. We didn't see eye to eye through my pregnancy really, but on the important things we put our differences aside. We were apart more than we were together, but that has made us stronger. Lee proposed to me in October, we are looking to move in together next year :-). We often talk of Christopher, and we love and miss him so much. Honestly, if love could have saved you... you would have lived forever...
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
That's ENOUGH
I don't know how I am going to ever get past this point. I miss Christopher and I just want him back. He's my little boy. Yes, I got 37 minutes with him, but no - it's not enough. I've had enough now and I just want him back. I want to go back in time and relive the moment when I met him, and lay him on my chest and cuddle him.
It seems it all happened in a blur, and I want to make that blur clear. I envy the pregnant women who don't have a worry in the world (ok, I'm being a little unrealistic- everyone has their worries). The other day I was in town and someone I don't particularly like, was heavily pregnant and standing their, full of it, smoking. She stood like she owned the street, as if to say "Look at me". Argh, it really disgusted me.
That same day I had seen countless twin prams, and as I was about to get in a lift a lady came out of it carrying a carseat- and then she turned and picked another up. My heart broke a little bit more. Oh I am happy for her, happy for anyone with healthy twins- but so envious. I could hardly walk home. I broke down many a time, even having to sit down and just breathe. People just walked past and looked at me like I was mad. I was uncontrollably crying and just had to ring someone to calm me down, so I rang my mum as Lee was at work. Luckily she was home early that day so it was only 15 minutes away. I just needed to get home, though, so I had to pull myself together and walk on.
Sometimes my little Harry shouts so much I can't hear the TV, I don't mind at all. I'd rather have two of them shouting so I couldn't hear a thing.
I then think, "Well, I know so many arms that are empty" so that makes me feel guilty. I beat myself up about so much and really ought to stop.
Harry is doing new things every day now, and it makes me swell with pride. No one was lying that being a mother is the most rewarding thing in the world. He tries to grab the spoon off me when I'm feeding him now, so I give him a spare which he then tries to put in his mouth. Agh, I nearly cry with how proud I am. He will occasionally wave bye-bye when you wave at him, too.
I am very lucky in the way he is such a good baby, his routine is amazing.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx Miss You Christopher xXxXxXxXxXx
It seems it all happened in a blur, and I want to make that blur clear. I envy the pregnant women who don't have a worry in the world (ok, I'm being a little unrealistic- everyone has their worries). The other day I was in town and someone I don't particularly like, was heavily pregnant and standing their, full of it, smoking. She stood like she owned the street, as if to say "Look at me". Argh, it really disgusted me.
That same day I had seen countless twin prams, and as I was about to get in a lift a lady came out of it carrying a carseat- and then she turned and picked another up. My heart broke a little bit more. Oh I am happy for her, happy for anyone with healthy twins- but so envious. I could hardly walk home. I broke down many a time, even having to sit down and just breathe. People just walked past and looked at me like I was mad. I was uncontrollably crying and just had to ring someone to calm me down, so I rang my mum as Lee was at work. Luckily she was home early that day so it was only 15 minutes away. I just needed to get home, though, so I had to pull myself together and walk on.
Sometimes my little Harry shouts so much I can't hear the TV, I don't mind at all. I'd rather have two of them shouting so I couldn't hear a thing.
I then think, "Well, I know so many arms that are empty" so that makes me feel guilty. I beat myself up about so much and really ought to stop.
Harry is doing new things every day now, and it makes me swell with pride. No one was lying that being a mother is the most rewarding thing in the world. He tries to grab the spoon off me when I'm feeding him now, so I give him a spare which he then tries to put in his mouth. Agh, I nearly cry with how proud I am. He will occasionally wave bye-bye when you wave at him, too.
I am very lucky in the way he is such a good baby, his routine is amazing.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx Miss You Christopher xXxXxXxXxXx
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
I was 17 and pregnant...with twins
Well I have just watched 16 and pregnant. I love that show, but it is so different to what it's like from here in Britain and there in America. Some of the girls show they are not ready to be mums, but they know they have to so they get on with it and go to school (for my American friends who may read this, school is only compulsory until you are 16, after your GCSE exams, you can go on to to A Levels at sixth form or college) and/or work. But some mums, like Jenelle for instance, didn't accept her responsibility and custody of her son Jace was sent to her mum. Their relationship was awful and the way she thought it ok to just leave her son with her mum whilst he was sleeping and go out partying was just plain disrespectful. I don't think anyone thought she was right to do that.
In this particular episode, Jennifer and her boyfriend Josh were together a year and within that time found out she was pregnant and expecting fraternal twin boys. Jennifer's parents and Josh didn't get along as they thought he was too old for her and disrespectful (at this point me and Lee looked at eachother and laughed, as my parents and him didn't get along either). There was tension between them all as the parents- being protective- thought that Jennifer should not give her babies Josh's name. Which is also funny, because with me and Lee being on/off quite a bit (let me remind you; these were special circumstances) people didn't get why I wanted Harry and Christopher to have their daddy's name. I just thought it was right.
Anyway, Josh's irresponsible behaviour showed and sadly, Jennifer saw what her parents did. Josh proved them right and he was just a very immature little boy in the end.
I am so glad that on many levels, Lee managed to prove my parents wrong. Although they are not one hundred percent in believing he has changed, they get on a lot better than they did. We are young, so we are bound to have our arguments, but doesn't everyone? He has been there for me and Harry and is there whenever he can be. I feel really lucky, and since we got back together in early July, I am really starting to see that he has grown up and I am nicely surprised on many occasions where he does something without me asking him to, or puts his responsibilities first. Obviously, for those who know Lee, well... he is Lee. He has his moments- but again, don't we all? I just feel content that he has changed for the better, and Harry has his Daddy around. And now, also his Nanny and Granddad who he sees every Sunday, his Ninna Nanna and Granddad and all of his other family.
Not forgetting his baby brother, who is *always* close to our hearts.
In this particular episode, Jennifer and her boyfriend Josh were together a year and within that time found out she was pregnant and expecting fraternal twin boys. Jennifer's parents and Josh didn't get along as they thought he was too old for her and disrespectful (at this point me and Lee looked at eachother and laughed, as my parents and him didn't get along either). There was tension between them all as the parents- being protective- thought that Jennifer should not give her babies Josh's name. Which is also funny, because with me and Lee being on/off quite a bit (let me remind you; these were special circumstances) people didn't get why I wanted Harry and Christopher to have their daddy's name. I just thought it was right.
Anyway, Josh's irresponsible behaviour showed and sadly, Jennifer saw what her parents did. Josh proved them right and he was just a very immature little boy in the end.
I am so glad that on many levels, Lee managed to prove my parents wrong. Although they are not one hundred percent in believing he has changed, they get on a lot better than they did. We are young, so we are bound to have our arguments, but doesn't everyone? He has been there for me and Harry and is there whenever he can be. I feel really lucky, and since we got back together in early July, I am really starting to see that he has grown up and I am nicely surprised on many occasions where he does something without me asking him to, or puts his responsibilities first. Obviously, for those who know Lee, well... he is Lee. He has his moments- but again, don't we all? I just feel content that he has changed for the better, and Harry has his Daddy around. And now, also his Nanny and Granddad who he sees every Sunday, his Ninna Nanna and Granddad and all of his other family.
Not forgetting his baby brother, who is *always* close to our hearts.
Friday, 9 September 2011
Family affairs and such
When people are horrid about babies dying whether it be still birth, or general baby/infant loss- I hate the people who say "Well I hope it happens to them, too!" I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone!
I broke down last night and it was horrid. Really sobbing, and a "why me" episode. It's the whole cliché of "It happens to other people". So to have become one of those "other people", it seems so unbelievable to me, and such a slap of reality.
I feel so protective over any pregnant person. But especially my sister in-law (well, kind of- we're not married to the brothers yet but will be :) ) found out her and my brother in-law are expecting identical twins at their twelve week scan six weeks ago. We were so surprised because of the closeness of our pregnancies and also the fact they are both identical twin pregnancies! To my relief, our loss didn't cast a shadow on how we would feel of their new-found joy. We felt it right along with them, as I wish anyone a healthy and happy pregnancy. Of course, Lee and I feel nervous for them because of what happened to us, but we both have a mutual feeling that the little bundles of joy will be right as rain.
I also feel protective over my sister in-law because she was their pretty much every step of my pregnancy as someone to talk to from afar. It's a shame there is such a considerable distance between where we both live but I had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time earlier this year when she was on the Isle of Man. I also met Lee's other brother and fiancé and it was lovely to finally meet them- so now I have met all three of his brothers, which is nice.
We visited Bishop Auckland in April last year to stay with Lee's Nana and Granddad Wade. Where I didn't bargain on meeting his mother also, who had surprised us by coming to stay. Her poor Mini suffered a 7 hour haul along the motorway, if my memory serves me right. We took a trip down to Hull, where Lee's brother and his fiancé live where we stayed the night and me and my sister in-law won Monopoly! Ha, and they said they were good...
I broke down last night and it was horrid. Really sobbing, and a "why me" episode. It's the whole cliché of "It happens to other people". So to have become one of those "other people", it seems so unbelievable to me, and such a slap of reality.
I feel so protective over any pregnant person. But especially my sister in-law (well, kind of- we're not married to the brothers yet but will be :) ) found out her and my brother in-law are expecting identical twins at their twelve week scan six weeks ago. We were so surprised because of the closeness of our pregnancies and also the fact they are both identical twin pregnancies! To my relief, our loss didn't cast a shadow on how we would feel of their new-found joy. We felt it right along with them, as I wish anyone a healthy and happy pregnancy. Of course, Lee and I feel nervous for them because of what happened to us, but we both have a mutual feeling that the little bundles of joy will be right as rain.
I also feel protective over my sister in-law because she was their pretty much every step of my pregnancy as someone to talk to from afar. It's a shame there is such a considerable distance between where we both live but I had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time earlier this year when she was on the Isle of Man. I also met Lee's other brother and fiancé and it was lovely to finally meet them- so now I have met all three of his brothers, which is nice.
We visited Bishop Auckland in April last year to stay with Lee's Nana and Granddad Wade. Where I didn't bargain on meeting his mother also, who had surprised us by coming to stay. Her poor Mini suffered a 7 hour haul along the motorway, if my memory serves me right. We took a trip down to Hull, where Lee's brother and his fiancé live where we stayed the night and me and my sister in-law won Monopoly! Ha, and they said they were good...
Monday, 29 August 2011
What's new, then? Hmm, a lot actually...
I haven't written in a while, I have been pretty busy, obviously with Harry, and also returning to work. Many will know that my parents run the Welbeck Hotel, a family-run business that my grandparents owned from 1978. Then selling the business to my parents who I have worked for since April 2008. I took a while off during my pregnancy as I am a waitress but was very keen to get stuck in again!
I am very proud of the business, which is described as a "home from home". The attention to detail is noticed by many and a lot of guests return which is very encouraging and it is a pleasure to see them again. I gave a few a shock this year, though. The TT and Manx Grand Prix guests especially, who have known me since I was knee-high (and smaller) and come back religiously every year to take part or watch the motorbike races. I kind of felt sorry for them, as I was throwing in some good and bad news. First I had to surprise them all by telling them I had been pregnant and given birth to TWINS since they had been last year.
But of course I had to tell them we had lost Christopher. It's obviously the part I hate, the sudden fall of their faces when I say, well actually Christopher is in Heaven, now. It is a lot to take in. It is amazing how much changes in a year. You only realise when you haven't seen someone in a while and you have to fill them in on what you have been up to. In my case: a lot.
We said goodbye to a great man last Wednesday. Neil Kent, MGP winner of 2010... He was one of them who has come back every year to the island to race his motorbike. Even after a few years ago when he ended up in hospital when he crashed. No stopping Neil, though. Needless to say the man- who always had a smile and great energy about him whatever the weather- will be missed. He was sponsored by the Welbeck for many, many years and attended my parents' wedding in 1997. A friend to everyone, and a genuinely kind bloke. I doubt there was anything else he would have preferred to have lost his life to than racing. He really did die doing what he loved.
Rest in peace, Neil. Your endless bike-ride has begun.
Friday, 5 August 2011
Another blog, already!?
Yes, already.
My God, my heart is heavy today.
From the moment I got up this morning I have been thinking why I didn't spend more time with Christopher. Although a lot of things try and bounce in to my mind and answer that question (Harry, for instance), I kick them out.
I guess it's because someone posted in a support group that they'd taken their baby home, and another said they had their baby in the room two days after they had passed.
What happened was, I'd had Christopher in the recovery room with me after theatre, where he was baptised and also passed away, and I held him while I was wheeled to my room, family and my best friend came in and they all held him and then passed back to me. Then not long after he was taken downstairs to rest.
I had some sleeping tablets and went to meet my boy Harry at about twenty to six... I didn't see Christopher again until the day after when we held him and took more photographs.
I'm torturing myself as to why I didn't spend more time with him. I hope this feeling goes soon. It's killing me :-(
My God, my heart is heavy today.
From the moment I got up this morning I have been thinking why I didn't spend more time with Christopher. Although a lot of things try and bounce in to my mind and answer that question (Harry, for instance), I kick them out.
I guess it's because someone posted in a support group that they'd taken their baby home, and another said they had their baby in the room two days after they had passed.
What happened was, I'd had Christopher in the recovery room with me after theatre, where he was baptised and also passed away, and I held him while I was wheeled to my room, family and my best friend came in and they all held him and then passed back to me. Then not long after he was taken downstairs to rest.
I had some sleeping tablets and went to meet my boy Harry at about twenty to six... I didn't see Christopher again until the day after when we held him and took more photographs.
I'm torturing myself as to why I didn't spend more time with him. I hope this feeling goes soon. It's killing me :-(
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