Just goings on

I've been verrrry busy lately.

I have been taking singing lessons, which are going great- I love it and it gives me great confidence in my voice. Maybe one day I'll put it to use as I'd always meant to join one of the "amateur" (I use that term lightly, as anyone who has had the pleasure of attending any of the local theatre groups' shows would surely agree that they are all hugely talented) drama societies but never did due to pure laziness and lack of confidence.
I truly feel that my boys have really inspired me to do the things I have managed to do and it's only now I've realised how much I "missed out on" as I was so quick to jump in to family life, obviously naive enough to think that's all there was to life. However it isnt all bad- quite the contrary! I have learnt many things along the way. As I say, my biggest inspiration are my children and they are also my most fierce motivator.
I surprised myself, and everyone else by enrolling in the Business School on the Island, studying CMI. It's gruelling hours, and when I'm working the other six days it's quite tiring. It's a bit of a shock to the system, especially as we're doing assignments and I haven't done anything like this in around five years. I actually enjoyed doing essays in my English classes [about stuff I actually enjoyed] because it was a chance to argue points and write whatever I wanted. The problem I have- and have always had- is being concise. I don't half ramble on sometimes, and go completely off subject. Oops. I started my assignment today, and it's not as daunting as I initially thought [thanks to my Mum and Dad, whom, as usual, calmed my panic and gave me the confidence in myself that I can do it]. The good thing about being part of a cohort is that you can work together and support each other, and I was particularly thankful for one of the them today as talking to different people from other industries gives you a wider, more openminded perspective.
It has been a long summer at work, which has been fabulous for business *touch wood* and it's slowly calming down. I prefer being busy than being quiet, it's rewarding when a service goes well, when guests compliment the business, or the staff. It makes it all worth it, however exhausting it may sometimes be (and all the moaning I do).
Yesterday the "International Wave of Light" took place, within the Baby and Infant Loss Awareness Week (9th-15th October). I, among many, many other bereaved parents lit a candle for their little one lost. I was actually in work and attempted to light an old candle which didn't work, ha ha. The thought was there...
I will be on my travels on Friday, for a short trip to see my family. I really do love my trips to see them, and enjoy every moment I can spend with me dear old Ninski (grandmother - Ninna, Ninski, Ninnsie) as she likes to scare us, and then bounces back like she always does (Thank God!). It's been a scary time recently with all sorts occurring, but thanks to the help of my lovely Aunty and Uncle, she has been able to come through it all, once again- and we are counting our blessings. I am back there in a couple of months as well, very excited to see my cousin, and meeting her man- [properly] finally!
My cousin James has also won his first game of club Rugby, now I don't know much about the game, but I believe he is brilliant at it, I'm so proud of him. My cousin Helen has started up her website, promoting her business http://aworldofwords.co.uk/ - check it out!
My sister got married, welcoming Rodney in to our family. I had the pleasure of watching it from home (live streaming) and was overjoyed to see her walk down the aisle, and marry her best friend. I'm so glad she's happy, she deserves that.
Harry is being an absolute menace at the moment, but funnier, and more cunning every day. 'Peppa Pig' has been BANNED from the house- and about time, too.

Learning how to walk, how to breathe

Just a few short poems, and literature giving me some comfort tonight...

If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ask me if I was 'over' it. They would ask how I was doing learning to walk without my leg. I was learning how to walk and breathe without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before - Elizabeth Edwards

Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane travelling west, crossing the dateline again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss is still ahead, and you are here, instead of sorrow - Nessa Rapaport

As you danced in the light, love lifted you. As you brushed the world so gently, you lifted us - TC Ring

That through the radiance which once shine so bright
Be forever taken from my sight
Thou nothing can restore the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower
I will grieve not but find strength in what remains
Behind
- William Wordsworth

My little man, what centuries of light did you travel to reach us here, your stay so shortlived; in the twinkling of an eye, you were moving on, bearing our name and a splinter of the human cross we suffer; flashed upon us, like a beacon, we wait in darkness for that light to come round, knowing at heart you shine on forever for us - Hugh O'donnell

In the Midst of Life

It seems everyone is so afraid of death nowadays. Once, what was to be a community ritual to respect the dead, those now turn their backs; unwilling to accept the bereavement and display of grief by the loved ones who mourn.
The dead are at peace, they do not care for what they have left behind, they are ... Well, wherever you believe they are: Heaven, the after life, or maybe you don't believe anything... Maybe you have not needed to think what happens after we die, and therefore ignorant to it. I, however, think of it daily. Losing someone- many people in fact- to death, means it is part of my every day life. I am not afraid of it, and I often share my wonders of Christopher's departing and I am often looked upon with pity. The way I have handled my grief, not many understand; I have been open- some regard it as too much so, and therefore they have recoiled in shock, ignorance and denial. But I digress, in one's disapproval.
I have been reading Jennifer Worth's books (Call the Midwife, In the Midst of Life) and I am intrigued by the ways of life, the standards of care that were in place and the contrasts between then and now, and disturbingly how some things are still the same in many places around the world, today in 2014.
"The good old days" are something many people go on about, as if it was perfect and nothing could ever go wrong. Some will fiercely disregard the fact anything could possibly be better now, than it was then. On the contrary and more than one cares to admit, the world has changed for the better in so many ways. Of course, there are the standards in things such as health care, that there are bits we should go back to like bringing back Matron, the strict practices that ensure nurses and doctors alike would carry out their jobs properly and with the highest regard for their patients. I'm not saying their weren't any faults back then, of course not. But those who had their training on the job, and not in colleges definitely had a better understanding and level of care, contrary to the graduates who go in to nurses thinking they are above doing bedpans.
As always I have drifted quite off subject and reluctant to carry on. Have a good day.

I'm getting on, don't knock me back.

This week is a build up to Harry and Christopher's 3rd birthday. I can feel the anxiety building up as in my head I can't help but run through everything I went through in that period. On Wednesday I would have been going in to labour, on Friday I would have been going in to theatre. I know I need to stop looking back and look in to the future instead but that's something that the grief just won't let me do. It's a constant battle of guilt: if I don't think about Christopher or if I don't "just" enjoy Harry. I want to "just" enjoy Harry, I'd do anything to have the burden taken away but I cannot and will not deny my grief for his brother. Maybe over time it will lessen some, but with them being twins all I can think about is both of them because that's how they should be- together. If I could just have a break from it, (which doesn't mean a break from Harry) I'd be grateful. I love my angel but sometimes it's hard to bear, and I have echoes of peoples voices in my head telling me "not to remind myself" as if I forget, as if he's not on my mind all the time like Harry is. I'm sick of the knowing it's always going to be this way. It's unpredictable when it's going to spring up on me, and when it does I can't control it. I don't understand how I'm going to live with it. But then I realise I have. I have lived and I have done things that people thought I was unable to do. Thanks to the support of family and friends around me I've been able to express myself when needed and with that I've got on with my life, I didn't let it get me down. Just because some people see on Facebook that I'm not always happy "like I should be because at least I have Harry", what they don't see is what I have done, what I'm doing. Getting up and going to work, protecting Harry by putting a roof over his head and making sure he will be okay when I "leave". I go to the gym to make sure I am in good health so I can look after him and be a positive energy in his life. All the rest of the things are left to me. I would never burden him with my troubles, he won't see my pain because I won't ever let my personal struggle be the centre of our world. I cannot stress enough how much I've put aside to care for him more than myself. So the people who punish me for grieving in my own personal way can say what they wish. I will not infect them with what happened to me, what happened to me will never hurt their living children or themselves. If they don't want me in their life because I bring them down, they will have to walk out themselves because I am entitled to that little chance I get to express my grief, that doesn't just come when I am on Facebook, and share a picture or a memory or a statement. That is a constant bane of my life. I cannot pick and choose when it does come but trust me when it does it knocks me in to next week. It storms through me and I'm angry SO SO SO angry because I feel robbed. Nothing will ever make that better but I will live with it, and I'm "getting on with it" because I want to, not only that but it's the only choice I have.

My new normal.

There's a 'new normal' you have to get used to after you lose a child. It's not something you want or choose to do, it's not a good thing nor a bad thing. It's just what happens. You change, and while the world keeps going you just want to step off and be able to breathe; free from all life's challenges. You're no longer the person you used to be, mother or father- it affects you in the deepest way.
I feel like I entered my 'new normal' when Christopher was actually diagnosed in the womb. They said he had Anencephaly and he wouldn't live- I accepted it there and then. I knew what they were saying was true, for some reason I didn't even think maybe they could be wrong- before I even stepped in to that room somewhere in me knew already.
In that moment I changed. The world had somehow kept spinning but my world had stopped, frozen in time trying to adjust to my 'new normal'. And for the millionth time I think "Thank God for Harry".
It's not easy to just keep going. But where there is life, there is hope and with all the strength I had left I gripped on to that.
I had to get on with it, when Christopher died I spent that night with him and then the next day at 6am, I was thrown in to mummy duties. It was as if "that's done and over with, now you have a healthy baby to look after and be excited about".
Eight months after and so much had changed. I was sad and lonely despite being with Lee things weren't that great between us either. I went back to work and then about two months later we split up, and he told me I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, working and raising Harry as a single parent. I'd have to give up work and I could kiss good bye to the dream of buying a house because that was never going to work without him.
But I did it.
Despite my 'new normal', despite becoming a mum to twins at the tender age of 17 and being a single mum. I managed. You get through it. It doesn't make you a hero, but it doesn't make you any less of a person either. You just 'are'.
I'm 21 in May and I kind of think, what next? I feel like I've done everything when everyone around my age has just begun to live their lives. I love my house, my job and my little boy dearly. My friends are true and I appreciate the time they give me, even if sometimes I struggle to find the time for them. I can't help feeling like I shouldn't have to be alone, and it would be nice to share it with someone. It scares me how independent I have become, when I want something done I don't wait for anyone else and I just do it, which is a good thing in a way but it's very isolating and trying to fit someone else in to that seems impossible right now. It would take someone with a lot of patience, love and understanding to take me on. I need a balance that will make things a little bit of the 'new normal' seem more bearable.

Milestones

Harry is potty training! Something that felt like it was out of reach a few weeks ago is something we finally have in our grasp. I'm thrilled. But also sad, it's yet another thing Harry will no longer need me for. He's growing up so fast, and there are a ton of emotions going through me as he reaches milestones.
I've been through every milestone with him, we do it together and he surprises me every time with how fast he learns and how he copies things people around him do, he's like a sponge taking in everything.
First it was his birth, he cried out loud letting us all know he was here and safe, they'd done it! Together they had beaten the odds and Harry and Christopher had made it through a stressful pregnancy. I honestly don't think they could have done it without each other and if I could just have them back snuggled where they were... Together.
Then it was eating and his weight, Harry's weight piled on. He loved his milk, and it was one thing I was able to do for him, with him being in Special Care from 32 weeks and 4 days. He only spent three and a half weeks in there before becoming all mine. For those weeks, thanks to my mum, dad and Lee, I was up at the hospital two to three times a day. So it was no surprise when due to stress and exhaustion, my milk ran out from one boob, and much to my dismay I had to stop breast feeding. I was truly gutted, but it was out of my control.
Every time I would compare him to other children, he would surprise me and suddenly start doing what I was worrying about. Children should never be underestimated, they are very clever and need to be encouraged and celebrated at every achievement, and learn how to lose gracefully.
I just feel a huge sense of pride for my boys, and I will always celebrate them like they deserve to be.

I'm really trying.

I'm really trying to make myself feel better at the moment. I've been very down lately and although it's okay not to be okay sometimes- it can be bad for you if you dwell on it, which is what I have been doing. I've been feeling the pounds piling on recently (and unfeeling money pounds, I bought a tumble dryer this week) and my hair has been limp and making my face look so pale as the colour was so dark. I've just constantly been feeling sorry for myself and not doing anything about it.
So yesterday after dropping Harry off at nursery I came back and used my tumble dryer- YAY! I had to sell my dishwasher (that I didn't need) to go in it's place. Cleaned up a bit, rested for a little while and then made my way to the new ladies gym just by my house. I did a half hour class called 'Thighs, Bums & Tums', it was SO hard. I'm still hurting now! But it made me feel great that I did something so I had the energy to then go and pick Harry up from nursery and take him to the park for a few hours to wear him out a little more before I handed him over to Dad and started work.
This morning it was thrashing it down with rain, I was soaked as I took Harry to school, and walked back. Today I went back to the gym and I signed up for a 'quarterly' membership, also had my hair done and my eyebrows threaded. I feel like a new woman, already! I reserved my mum and myself places for Saturday's 'Kettlercise' class (exercising using kettle bells) which I'm really looking forward to.
I also (I know, I'm on a mission!) registered for an amateur acting company workshop, which starts in May. Hopefully it will bring me out of my shell, and give me the chance to socialise.
These are all things to look forward to, and motivate myself to become a more positive person. Releasing them dolphins (endorphins) and getting slim is something I really need so please can all my followers send me good vibes!!

Hope.

After being unable to sleep last night with Harry up every hour, I went back to bed when he did - only to be awoken about ten minutes later to the sound of someone hammering outside. I had that much of a headache my nose started to bleed. I am exhausted and feel alone, as always. It's not easy being a single mum and trying to do everything at once, with no one to ask for help or have a rant at when I'm angry. I feel like I'm just taking up everyone's homepage with stupid attention-seeking statuses. If I wrote how I really felt, people would be worried. But I don't want to burden anyone, that only makes me feel worse. Asking for help is a massive step that I struggle with and I don't know who to turn to. I have been offered several times a shoulder to cry on or someone to 'scream' at. But when it comes to, I just don't have the words.
Maybe I need counselling, someone who knows what questions to ask so I can give the answers that I need to say. I know I'm falling in to a rut.
This Wednesday, and Thursday just gone, I went for two long walks which was great. As soon as I dropped Harry off on the Wednesday, I went along the promenade and up towards Groudle, and then turned back. It took me just over an hour to get home and I felt refreshed, but soon went back to bed, unwilling to do anything more. Thursday, me and a friend went walking up to Marine Drive and put the world to rights as we fought the cold air. I then met up with another friend, picked Harry up and went to work. Harry was feeling the effects of being at nursery four days a week and slept on me for an hour and a half until I had to work.
He was dropped off at 7am the following morning, and we went to bed again, waking up at 9. I made plans with my Grandma who picked me up at 12 to go searching for a dryer, as I only have a washer-dryer. I'd finally sold my dishwasher so I now had the space. I really look forward to the call on Monday to arrange a time for delivery- sad, eh? But I have saved and saved, ready for the year ahead to hopefully visit my sister, and my aunty and at the end of this month I'll be going clothes shopping in Liverpool, which is needed as one of the main things getting me down right now is the fact I can hardly fit in to my clothes (hence the walking).
I have also signed up to a class for drama on Tuesday nights starting in May, which should give me something to look forward to. Acting is one of my favourite things, having gained an A* in my drama performance in my last year of high school.
This time of year I always get down, remembering how three years ago I would have been still waddling around with a huge baby bump with my two gorgeous boys. I had so much to look forward to, yet living on tender hooks knowing anything could happen next. I could go in to labour, earlier than planned. My scans were every week, and we just lived for them. We wouldn't know what Harry and Christopher had planned, whether he was getting tired or he was okay. I was buying for Harry, things like blankets, cot, pram, steriliser.. not even knowing if I'd get to use them. But I had hope, and that's what got me through.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Last night I went to search for my friend on Facebook, to realise she has deleted me. I post on Facebook a lot as it's my only outlet. I don't have a partner to share news with, be happy with or go to when I'm upset, so I tell my friends. Some people may say I expose too much of myself on there emotionally and leave myself open to negativity and harsh comments.

So I'm not going to say I was totally surprised. But I did ask why, and the answer shocked me. Bearing in mind this is a friend that I told when I got the news that Christopher was poorly and she visited me at the hospital the day I had my boys. She's never shared any qualms with me talking about Christopher, and seemingly welcomed me to talk to her when I was ever upset or in need of a friend.

Let me tell you now, child loss is not infectious, but it's an incurable kind of disease that I will never just "get over". I struggle daily bringing up Harry singlehanded, especially at the moment it's particularly tough as he goes through a stage of not listening to what I say, totally ignoring punishment and asking for anyone but me all of the time. It's a typical thing I know, but working full time too, then trying to stimulate a nearly-three year old is exhausting.

When I'm alone, it seems all the things that I could think about that makes me upset, I do. It's as if I've been occupying my mind all day to avoid, suddenly that part of my brain relaxes any barriers and all I can think about is the fact that I'm alone. Harry's in bed, so I can't go anywhere or do anything; and I'm tired so I wouldn't want to anyway. My friends are either at work, or busy and most of then have children now so they're unable to come around.

So this "friend" has a little boy who's not one yet. I searched for her and she wasn't there. So I asked her why...

"Yeah I did, only because you're constantly putting hashtags and statuses about Christopher and I can't deal with it. I have a son and it just upsets me when you constantly broadcast the fact you have lost a son. Everyone knows you have and everyone knows it's the worst possible thing that could ever happen. I just don't want anything to happen to **** and it's horrible always being reminded of what happened to you.
I'm sorry for not talking you first so don't say silly things like that. But I see my son and I don't want anything to happen to him, I couldn't deal with it."

Apparently I'm being irrational, thinking that she could have talked to me first and explained her reasons- even though they are invalid anyway. I keep my son's memory alive because he is my child, I held him and he was here. People would say something if I didn't talk about him, and quite frankly I'd feel an overwhelming guilt- like every time someone asks me how many children I have? I have two.

So if you have a problem, speak now- or forever hold your peace.