Now I understand.

I'm thinking positive. Before I couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want to talk about our son all the time, why people want to "forget" (move on) from the sadness. I wanted to dwell on it and wallow in my sadness. But I'm tired now. It's coming to the end of this year, I have to say I am glad. I'm leaving this year behind, getting happy. I can't let myself be dragged down when I have a healthy boy, that at one point I even wondered if he was coming home. Now I understand that Christopher lived his short life for him and I should be grateful he lived, not constantly depressed because he died. I am truly blessed to have Harry as my focus. Not a lot of people have it and I do. I do and I need to realise that. If I get sad, I won't stop it. I will let it take as long as it needs and then pull myself back together again. Now I understand what you mean. This isn't how I want it to be. You don't like seeing me down and I understand. I know you care.

Today, I'm thankful.

Today I'm thankful for being able to sit here in my pyjamas, hair scraped back, and watching Harry play in his bouncer chair. I'm thankful for good health when others have the flu (Hmm, is it safe to say that? Watch this space). Okay, so I know Thanksgiving isn't a holiday where I am but having a lot of American friends now, they inspired me to think of all the things I am grateful for.
Like loving parents who support me in everything I do, who have taken me places some people can only dream of going to. The fact they own a business I can work in, a job that I enjoy and can't wait to get back to. The reason I am a sociable person and not afraid to talk to strangers sitting next to me on the bus and become friends with them. I respect my elders and am determined to show them teenagers aren't all bad, and that respect goes both ways. The way they brought me up is the way I intend to bring my son up.
I'm thankful for Lee who sticks by me even when I whinge at him, I shout and I'm unfair. The way he is a proud daddy and would do anything for Harry. The way he has surprised me and grown up, accepted his responsibilities and started having more respect for people, love and money.
I'm thankful for friends, the family we choose for ourselves. My best friends who listen to me and are great company. They have stuck with me through everything, and they're not afraid to speak their mind and put me right.

If love could have saved you.

WHAT A YEAR!





It's been a rollercoaster, to say the least. On Wednesday 24th November 2010 we found out we were having twins, on Tuesday 21st December we found out we were to lose one to Anencephaly- a fatal birth defect that meant our baby would either die in the womb, be still born or die shortly after birth. which was a danger to the other twin, so we were given the choice to have a "selective reduction" of the anencephalic twin. A month or so later when we found out the sex (two boys, named only hours later) we were threatened with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, where they tried to tell us to stop Christopher's heart- no thanks.

By now my bump was getting bigger and it was being pictured to show to those from the other side of the world, and of course their special story. I was "meeting" people all over the United States and a few from England, Ireland, and of course Switzerland, where a true hero resides, Monika Jacquier...
Monika is the administrator of the website "anencephaly.info". Two weeks after we got the diagnosis of our baby, I googled it and it came up with images that shocked me. But after visiting Monika's site I was able to see pictures of anencephalic babies with their hats on, and off. They are all beautiful, so loved and celebrated. Proud parents send their stories to Monika to share with the world, and to promote the decision to carry their babies to full term, or as long as their bodies would let them.
There is the option to induce early also, (please do not mistake this for a termination) at any stage of the pregnancy. These parents love their child just as much as the parents that carry to term, they just cannot go through with the pregnancy knowing their child will die, for some it is the only option given, which is wrong of the doctor. The parents should always know their options.
I am proud of the decisions I made, and I'm lucky enough that Lee totally agreed with me on everything, and we decided it all together. We didn't see eye to eye through my pregnancy really, but on the important things we put our differences aside. We were apart more than we were together, but that has made us stronger. Lee proposed to me in October, we are looking to move in together next year :-). We often talk of Christopher, and we love and miss him so much. Honestly, if love could have saved you... you would have lived forever...

That's ENOUGH

I don't know how I am going to ever get past this point. I miss Christopher and I just want him back. He's my little boy. Yes, I got 37 minutes with him, but no - it's not enough. I've had enough now and I just want him back. I want to go back in time and relive the moment when I met him, and lay him on my chest and cuddle him.
It seems it all happened in a blur, and I want to make that blur clear. I envy the pregnant women who don't have a worry in the world (ok, I'm being a little unrealistic- everyone has their worries). The other day I was in town and someone I don't particularly like, was heavily pregnant and standing their, full of it, smoking. She stood like she owned the street, as if to say "Look at me". Argh, it really disgusted me.
That same day I had seen countless twin prams, and as I was about to get in a lift a lady came out of it carrying a carseat- and then she turned and picked another up. My heart broke a little bit more. Oh I am happy for her, happy for anyone with healthy twins- but so envious. I could hardly walk home. I broke down many a time, even having to sit down and just breathe. People just walked past and looked at me like I was mad. I was uncontrollably crying and just had to ring someone to calm me down, so I rang my mum as Lee was at work. Luckily she was home early that day so it was only 15 minutes away. I just needed to get home, though, so I had to pull myself together and walk on.
Sometimes my little Harry shouts so much I can't hear the TV, I don't mind at all. I'd rather have two of them shouting so I couldn't hear a thing.
I then think, "Well, I know so many arms that are empty" so that makes me feel guilty. I beat myself up about so much and really ought to stop.
Harry is doing new things every day now, and it makes me swell with pride. No one was lying that being a mother is the most rewarding thing in the world. He tries to grab the spoon off me when I'm feeding him now, so I give him a spare which he then tries to put in his mouth. Agh, I nearly cry with how proud I am. He will occasionally wave bye-bye when you wave at him, too.
I am very lucky in the way he is such a good baby, his routine is amazing.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx Miss You Christopher xXxXxXxXxXx

I was 17 and pregnant...with twins

Well I have just watched 16 and pregnant. I love that show, but it is so different to what it's like from here in Britain and there in America. Some of the girls show they are not ready to be mums, but they know they have to so they get on with it and go to school (for my American friends who may read this, school is only compulsory until you are 16, after your GCSE exams, you can go on to to A Levels at sixth form or college) and/or work. But some mums, like Jenelle for instance, didn't accept her responsibility and custody of her son Jace was sent to her mum. Their relationship was awful and the way she thought it ok to just leave her son with her mum whilst he was sleeping and go out partying was just plain disrespectful. I don't think anyone thought she was right to do that.
In this particular episode, Jennifer and her boyfriend Josh were together a year and within that time found out she was pregnant and expecting fraternal twin boys. Jennifer's parents and Josh didn't get along as they thought he was too old for her and disrespectful (at this point me and Lee looked at eachother and laughed, as my parents and him didn't get along either). There was tension between them all as the parents- being protective- thought that Jennifer should not give her babies Josh's name. Which is also funny, because with me and Lee being on/off quite a bit (let me remind you; these were special circumstances) people didn't get why I wanted Harry and Christopher to have their daddy's name. I just thought it was right.
Anyway, Josh's irresponsible behaviour showed and sadly, Jennifer saw what her parents did. Josh proved them right and he was just a very immature little boy in the end.
I am so glad that on many levels, Lee managed to prove my parents wrong. Although they are not one hundred percent in believing he has changed, they get on a lot better than they did. We are young, so we are bound to have our arguments, but doesn't everyone? He has been there for me and Harry and is there whenever he can be. I feel really lucky, and since we got back together in early July, I am really starting to see that he has grown up and I am nicely surprised on many occasions where he does something without me asking him to, or puts his responsibilities first. Obviously, for those who know Lee, well... he is Lee. He has his moments- but again, don't we all? I just feel content that he has changed for the better, and Harry has his Daddy around. And now, also his Nanny and Granddad who he sees every Sunday, his Ninna Nanna and Granddad and all of his other family.
Not forgetting his baby brother, who is *always* close to our hearts.

Family affairs and such

When people are horrid about babies dying whether it be still birth, or general baby/infant loss- I hate the people who say "Well I hope it happens to them, too!" I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone!
I broke down last night and it was horrid. Really sobbing, and a "why me" episode. It's the whole cliché of "It happens to other people". So to have become one of those "other people", it seems so unbelievable to me, and such a slap of reality.
I feel so protective over any pregnant person. But especially my sister in-law (well, kind of- we're not married to the brothers yet but will be :) ) found out her and my brother in-law are expecting identical twins at their twelve week scan six weeks ago. We were so surprised because of the closeness of our pregnancies and also the fact they are both identical twin pregnancies! To my relief, our loss didn't cast a shadow on how we would feel of their new-found joy. We felt it right along with them, as I wish anyone a healthy and happy pregnancy. Of course, Lee and I feel nervous for them because of what happened to us, but we both have a mutual feeling that the little bundles of joy will be right as rain.
I also feel protective over my sister in-law because she was their pretty much every step of my pregnancy as someone to talk to from afar. It's a shame there is such a considerable distance between where we both live but I had the pleasure of meeting her for the first time earlier this year when she was on the Isle of Man. I also met Lee's other brother and fiancé and it was lovely to finally meet them- so now I have met all three of his brothers, which is nice.
We visited Bishop Auckland in April last year to stay with Lee's Nana and Granddad Wade. Where I didn't bargain on meeting his mother also, who had surprised us by coming to stay. Her poor Mini suffered a 7 hour haul along the motorway, if my memory serves me right. We took a trip down to Hull, where Lee's brother and his fiancé live where we stayed the night and me and my sister in-law won Monopoly! Ha, and they said they were good...

What's new, then? Hmm, a lot actually...

I haven't written in a while, I have been pretty busy, obviously with Harry, and also returning to work. Many will know that my parents run the Welbeck Hotel, a family-run business that my grandparents owned from 1978. Then selling the business to my parents who I have worked for since April 2008. I took a while off during my pregnancy as I am a waitress but was very keen to get stuck in again!

I am very proud of the business, which is described as a "home from home". The attention to detail is noticed by many and a lot of guests return which is very encouraging and it is a pleasure to see them again. I gave a few a shock this year, though. The TT and Manx Grand Prix guests especially, who have known me since I was knee-high (and smaller) and come back religiously every year to take part or watch the motorbike races. I kind of felt sorry for them, as I was throwing in some good and bad news. First I had to surprise them all by telling them I had been pregnant and given birth to TWINS since they had been last year.

But of course I had to tell them we had lost Christopher. It's obviously the part I hate, the sudden fall of their faces when I say, well actually Christopher is in Heaven, now. It is a lot to take in. It is amazing how much changes in a year. You only realise when you haven't seen someone in a while and you have to fill them in on what you have been up to. In my case: a lot.

We said goodbye to a great man last Wednesday. Neil Kent, MGP winner of 2010... He was one of them who has come back every year to the island to race his motorbike. Even after a few years ago when he ended up in hospital when he crashed. No stopping Neil, though. Needless to say the man- who always had a smile and great energy about him whatever the weather- will be missed. He was sponsored by the Welbeck for many, many years and attended my parents' wedding in 1997. A friend to everyone, and a genuinely kind bloke. I doubt there was anything else he would have preferred to have lost his life to than racing. He really did die doing what he loved.

Rest in peace, Neil. Your endless bike-ride has begun.

Another blog, already!?

Yes, already.

My God, my heart is heavy today.
From the moment I got up this morning I have been thinking why I didn't spend more time with Christopher. Although a lot of things try and bounce in to my mind and answer that question (Harry, for instance), I kick them out.
I guess it's because someone posted in a support group that they'd taken their baby home, and another said they had their baby in the room two days after they had passed.
What happened was, I'd had Christopher in the recovery room with me after theatre, where he was baptised and also passed away, and I held him while I was wheeled to my room, family and my best friend came in and they all held him and then passed back to me. Then not long after he was taken downstairs to rest.
I had some sleeping tablets and went to meet my boy Harry at about twenty to six... I didn't see Christopher again until the day after when we held him and took more photographs.
I'm torturing myself as to why I didn't spend more time with him. I hope this feeling goes soon. It's killing me :-(

If I had a pound for every time...

Christopher, do you know how many times I speak of you in just one day?

How many times I tell yours and Harry's story?

And how I don't get tired of telling it?

You're probably sitting on my shoulder, rolling your eyes and saying "Not again, Mum..".

People say babies can see spirits, (well they also say babies' vision is upside-down? or that they can't see "yet"- when is yet over? Harry is three months now lol) well something always seems to catch Harry's eye, and when I mean catch his eye, it's so intense. Call me crazy, but I always wonder is he looking at Christopher?

I talked to a fellow angel mummy tonight who also lost her twin son (not to Anencephaly, like Christopher), Jayden- twin to Alfie. I asked her does she think our sons miss their twin? It's a serious question. After 32 weeks and 4 days together in the womb, you'd think Harry would notice the difference. Below is a picture of Harry just born, as if to say "Where am I?". If he could talk he would have probably said "Where is he [Christopher]?"

I miss my baby boy so much, I wish I had a double pram that was a nightmare to fit through doorways. I wish I was watching them giggle at eachother. There is such a big hole in my heart, the chain is forever broken...

We little knew that morning

that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

and your love is still our guide,

And although we cannot see you

you are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing feels the same,

But! as God calls us one by one

the chain will link again.

- Author unknown.

Bring him home.

I finally cried today

Me and my mum went to Shoprite (local supermarket in the Isle of Man) and we just parked the car and we saw a family friend with her twins, boy and a girl. She was saying how her little boy had started crawling and it's going to be mad when they're both at it because they will be going in opposite directions. As we walked away I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. It truly killed me. I wish I was chasing after both of them, that I had a twin pram, that I bought two of everything.

The day before Christopher's diagnosis, me and their daddy bought two five-piece sets of clothes and identical coats. Did I curse it? What if we hadn't bought them, what if I hadn't looked for hours for a tandem pram (longways) that I liked. Would Christopher be here, with us? Can someone tell me, why?

Bring him home.

All he wants is his two front teeth!

My poor baby Harry is teething. I have just put him to bed, swaddled- with a dosage of Calpol, some baby rice and a bottle. Hopefully he'll sleep tonight, he has been awake all day! For a three month-old, this is exhausting stuff!

We visited my best friend today and her son, it's hard to believe little Harley is just 25 weeks (exactly) older at 9 months- whilst Harry is on the floor on his belly trying to lift his head right up, Harley is walking along clinging to the furniture for support!! He is very advanced for his age though, always has been. He smiled at just 2 weeks old, and has his two bottom teeth with big lumps where his top two teeth are coming through!! Such a happy boy, absolutely gorgeous. He was so amazed by Harry.
It's great now they are just a short bus ride away, instead of half an hour. Not as good as being around the corner like she used to be but I can live with it (lol).

I'm hopefully going to take Harry swimming for the first time on Sunday. Although I really need to try out his swimming trunks before we go as they are 3-6 months (being nearly 8 weeks premature he is still small and undeveloped for his age). Really looking forward to it, so I hope they fit him!!

I need food while it is still quiet. See you later...

Thank God for Granddad!

This morning I went into town and forgot bottles for Harry, which is something I never do. There is a first for everything I guess. I'd ordered food in Café Avanti and went to get a bottle for them to heat up when I realised I hadn't got it out of the fridge. After making a call to Dad, who was thankfully not busy at the time, he raced down before Harry's 12 o'clock feed. Thankfully in time whilst he was still asleep.

I'm a bit choked up today, I keep going to call Harry Christopher. I was walking around in a daze. Just thinking about stuff. I also decided to go up to my Granddad George's grave on his birthday which is on Sunday.

Radio.

I sent an email into our local radio station "Manx Radio". Stu Peters does a debate programme at lunchtime, this was for the subject of "Should we encourage people to have more homebirths than hospital births?" This was my reply. He read the whole thing out (quite special) and also repeated it in the later show when they go over what happened in the show to anyone that missed it in the day. Our story has inspired a lot of people.

Hello Stu,

I had a high risk pregnancy which made it next to impossible for me to have a home birth, I would have felt alot easier in a hospital with staff on hand anyway.
I gave birth to my twin boys' on 18th April of this year and from 15 weeks of my pregnancy we knew we were going to lose Christopher. It was a very stressful pregnancy but Dr Fayle was superb and made sure I had scans every week. Because of the condition my son had which is a neural tube defect namely Anencephaly, which meant his brain would be missing and it would also be exposed due to lack of skull; and would therefore not be compatible with life. With my boys' being identical, sharing placenta and amniotic sac there would be a very strong chance that if Christopher passed away in my womb (which was a possibility along with him being still born), his brother Harry would be immediately severely brain damaged or also die.
A caesarean was planned for 34 weeks to make sure the boys' were delivered as fast and safely as possible.
I actually went in to labour at 32 weeks and 2 days, in Ramsey on the way back to Douglas and I was rushed to the hospital where they inserted a drip to stop contractions and also 2 sets of steroids to mature their lungs. The drip had to be stopped on the Monday and ready or not the boys' were coming.
They delivered me by caesarean section, Harry weighing just 3lb 12.5oz and Christopher (with a growth restriction) at 1lb 12oz. I had precious time with Christopher and Harry was off to SCBU which he made a fast recovery and was home in no time.
If it wasn't for the team and their fast acting I would have probably not have gotten the time with my son that was so precious. It doesn't always go the way we plan and pregnancy isn't as straightforward as thought. Home birth if you like, but the care given by the hospital where signs of danger to mother or baby can be spotted early is well worth it.

Hello, again...

It's been a while...

I stopped making overly emotive facebook statuses because I was told I was saying too much that was personal and making some people worried. I didn't mean to have this effect, it was simply that I hurt, so so bad. It was for attention, but not for everyone to say 'Aww' or 'I'm sorry', just for someone to know I'm hurting. I can't explain it. I hope you know what I mean. I just got so angry at the world.

Being as young as I am (18), a few of my friends on here are around my age. They don't "get" it. I have discussed recently with a few anen angel mummy's that I've had stuff like "Oh, you don't know the doctors are right, Christopher could get better" - this made me frustrated as I'd already accepted what was going to happen, I'd researched it and spoken to my lovely lovely fellow anen mummys and learnt to cherish every scan where I saw him and Harry and enjoy each and every kick.

Harry and Christopher were such blessings for me and as Harry thrives, I imagine what it'd be like with two of them, sometimes I smile, sometimes I cry. I love to share their story to anyone who will listen. It's a great story, and I'll take great pleasure in one day telling Harry how his brother fought for him, and their mummy and daddy.

I can't believe it has been over three months since we said 'hello' and 'goodbye'. I don't know what I want to do for a memorial. Life has gotten in the way and it has been delayed, I hope to do something soon. Me and their daddy, Lee have said we wanted to put it somewhere that's special to us.

I'm going to continue watching 'The Hills' maybe talk to you again soon.

Leave me alone, I'm lonely.

I'm hurting so much. I'm so torn between excitement and being scared. Why me? Why does Harry have to live his life without his twin brother by his side? Why must the chain be broken?

In this case, the only answer to this is, because he is too good for Earth, my little Christopher.

I feel so blessed having twins, it is so amazing because it is rare... I can't deal with the questions, and people automatically being thrilled at the fact I am a mummy of twins. Is it wrong for me to be jealous of the mums that can have both? Because it just seems so unfair to me that God is taking my little boy away. Yet I'm so excited that I have everything ready (ish) for Harry, he's my focus and I can't let him down, because he's losing his brother- he can't lose me, too.

I just wonder how I will be.
And I'm terrified.

Waiting On That Ring To Prove You're Not Alone.

I wish the father of my children would ring.



It's been 2 days since I talked to him last, and he hasn't rung since, to find out when the next scan is or whether he can re-invite himself to town with me on Saturday to choose the blankets, so they're from both of us. Because I will be so relieved when- or if- he rings because I can say he has, and he can say he has. I will maybe just snap on Wednesday if he hasn't rung by then, as he would also find out the date for my caesarean. Maybe I will just tell his mum and it'll get to him (I hope) as she plans to be over for the birth.

I wish he would understand how much I want this phone call, I want him to know everything, I want him to feel the babies kick as they go mad all the time at the moment and they haven't felt their daddy's hand for ages :(. All I do is hug my tummy and tell them I'm sorry for what their Daddy is doing...

The stupid thing is I worry about the day when he sees them and he'll regret not doing anything.