Dear friend, I'm sorry I've been so absent lately.

I decided to try and be a good friend haha. I'm not just saying this I genuinely feel awful about not checking in enough, sometimes I literally cant. I wish I could tell you why. I wish I could tell me why.
I do think of you tho, if that counts for anything.
I went through something really shit just before Christmas.
I haven't told you because I just couldn't. I really struggled telling anyone because everyone sees me as this outgoing, lively person- which I am, but I lost myself for a while, and it was shocking and scary as what happened made me question everything and everyone around me; people I've known for a long time, and people I've known not as long.
It made me wonder how I present myself, what people think of me as a person and what I've done or said to contribute to that.
Its something that I've always been sensitive to, but god, as naive as it sounds, what happened knocked me for six and I never thought it would.
Something I tend to enjoy, never been ashamed of, something I had control over. Until I didnt. That control was taken from me very fast and in the most unexpected way, and the most unexpected person.
I had counselling. I went to the police, I only made an incident report because I just didnt know what to do. And now it consumes my thoughts, for what seems like every waking moment.
It drowns out music, conversation, with what if this and that.
Mainly its if I saw him in person, how would I react?
I get myself in such a state honestly, then after shaking myself, I realise that it's pretty much worthless. I wont know what I'll do in that situation, coming face to face with someone I was friends with for over 10 years, but who felt like his ego was worth more than my dignity, my privacy, my trust and my friendship.
And he doesn't even understand how much he has shook my world!
I have told him; he has admitted it. He has said sorry, that he was a stupid boy.
Does that mean he thinks its done? That he is forgiven, and it's all forgotten?
I hope it drives him mad, as much as its driven me.
I want to kill him with my bare hands. But I dont want to go near him. It would make me sick.

Thank you to me.

Thank you, me.

"Thank you, me. For taking yourself out of a situation where you cried more than you smiled or laughed... hurt more than you were loved and was lonelier than actually being alone. I truly am glad that you are not putting yourself through pain just for someone else's gain. I'm glad you loved yourself enough to be able to walk away from being told you were desperate just for wanting to feel wanted. You are more. You are worth a hell of a lot more than what he didn't bother to give you. And you know for next time; not to settle for anything less than LOVE!"

It's been a year since I broke away from this. On 15th August 2017 I finally realised: I will NEVER be happy. He will never give me what I need and I need to get out of this before I am actually as crazy as I am accused of being. Maybe it was my own fault, I was deep in denial about him. He showed me time and time again that he was not worthy of me. But I chose to ignore it because I refused to believe I had made a serious error of judgement; moving my life to be with this man.

I gave him all of me. I chipped away at the bits he didn't like... until I realised I will never be what he likes. He tolerated me. I felt it. He would sometimes make a tiny bit of effort, and then accuse me of being ungrateful.. and there I was at his feet, apologising for being me.

Ninna.

Hah, the last time I saw a big box of these was at my Ninnas when I visited her not long before she passed.
She was bed bound, she had been through hell and back and we all knew she didn't have long left.
I know what you can imagine, some old lady in bed sad and drawn- except she wasn't: she was still the life of the party.
She was made up that everyone was coming to see her, and between her long naps she was laughing, joking and flirting with the doctors, sharing a quip with anyone that would listen.
She didn't eat much, generally. But she ate a few good meals then, which was curious seeing as the cancer was in her stomach- she had a pretty good appetite.
Then there was the sweets. Maltesers on the occasion that I was visiting. She would give us a good telling off if we nicked one, and confiscated the box.
The times I spent with Ninna, especially over here in the Isle of Man, are treasured. Matthew, Lizzybeth, Terence and I always had a safe haven with her.
The mint imperials, the mobile phone she kept in her glasses case(?) "Where's your phone, Ninna?", "on the table... At home". The sleepovers where I would have a kit kat, followed by peanut butter on toast with a cup of tea whilst watching Midsomer Murders, we would say the Lord's Prayer and include every person we hold dear. Then I would get up early morn and get in to her bed and kick the poor lady in my sleep!
But she never complained.
So many memories and I can't say I ever took them for granted, because I didn't, I loved each moment spent with Ninna. She was the best. I'm glad she is up there with Granddad now, nothing else matters. It's where she always wanted to be.

What's a NINNA?

"What's a Ninna?" I would be asked with a confused expression, throughout my almost 22 years. I would sometimes revert to 'Nana' to just make life easier for myself (because people don't like different). Well, from what I know, "Nin" is a particularly popular term for a grandmother around the Liverpool area, in England.
My Ninna? Well where do I start? My Ninna was probably the centre of my world, aside from my children. She was just me Ninna. I love her, but she's gone. She has gone to live in Heaven, eternal paradise, or wherever you may believe people pass on to.
We have been expecting her to pass on for many years now, from one thing to another, but she just kept bouncing back- she was a real menace. Ninna kept us all on our toes with her quick wit and startling strength, and she never ceased to amaze us when she would smile through the pain. And God, was she in pain! She herself, was a pain. Of course I say it affectionately, as it is honestly a privelege to have known such a resilient lady. She just would never give up. Except she smoked for a lot of her life, until the doctor told her to quit. So she did, just like that, because he said that if she carried on, it would kill her. This was after her angina attack and quadrouple heart bypass, and after my aunty Christine was snipping the cigarettes in two, of the packs she held in her cupboard.Well, my aunty is a nurse, and so you can imagine her disgust when she got yelled at because "someone else could have them"- oops!
I have so many special memories of Ninna. I loved looking through her jewellery boxes, her photographs (especially her wedding ones, she actually looked like the Queen!!! Imo ;) ), and her putting my hair in curlers. Ninna's patience rarely waivered with me, as far as I can remember. After tucking me in at night we would say the Lord's prayer, and bless all of our family (name by name) until I fell asleep- then sometime in the night I would climb into bed with her and kick my legs and grind my teeth, which I'm sure drove her mad, but if it did, she didn't show it.
I remember even earlier days, in which Ninna and Granddad would swing me up in the air, when we walked around the cul-de-sac where they lived in Onchan at the time.
I also remember fondly being in their living room, between them, and Granddad pulling faces behind my back, Ninna would say "Look what he's doing, Lucy!".
On my 2nd birthday, 20th May 1995, when Granddad's beloved Everton won the Cup. My 'Uncle' Stu bought me an Everton football kit and my Granddad paraded me around, singing. My Dad and Stu were at the pub. Granddad passed in 1997, "Goodnight Mr Moon".
I loved going to church with Ninna. Although not very religious myself, I have always been overwhelmed by churches, and felt peace. One time going through her jewellery box I told her that when she dies, I'd like to have her cross and chain (out of the mouths of babes, eh?)- I was horrified when she told me later on lol!
Ninna, meeting my little angel Christopher, who she came from Kendal to see.

 I was lucky to have spent lots of Christmases with her too.

If I was to write all of our memories, we'd be here for days. But Ninna didn't want to go, her body gave up, not her. She was a constant energy, her mind was sharp and she would catch you out with her quips. I'm so proud to call her my Ninna, and we'll always be "best buds". I know I have an angel on my side. I love you xxx

Breakaway.

It's been ages since I last wrote anything. I have been on holiday to Tenerife with my Grandma and Harry, which was great. We mainly chilled out by the pool for most of it and Harry made a new friend, Morgan. Morgan and her parents, Yvette and Marco, saved us sunbeds every morning and as the children splashed away we had a good chat, they are from the Netherlands, but language was no barrier as they spoke superb English and by the time they left, their daughter had, too. Harry met his match; Morgan is a force of nature and she was always sure to stand up to him and put him in his place with a "HAR-RY!" It was very amusing to watch.
Before I had gone to Tenerife however, I had a meeting with Hamblin,  a local recruitment agency as I have finally decided to leave the Welbeck Hotel, my family's business who I worked for for about 21 years (7 officially!). It's a big leap, as its not only my workplace but my second home, and the amount I have learnt in my time there has been phenomenal. I also love the people, my colleagues and the guests, old and new. Some have watched me grow up, and through the years I have made so many friendships.
To my surprise, Hamblin already had a job lined up for me, in Barclays, and when I returned home from my trip I had my very first interview. I received a job offer the following day, and handed in my notice at the hotel. I'm not sure what it's going to be like, and I hope I will enjoy it.  It's a lot better in terms of the hours and it would also mean Harry and I will see a lot more of each other, which I am really happy about.
Anyway, Harry's best friend Rayner turns 4 today! I can't believe this day four years ago I was going to be attending Rachelle's baby shower and she had him that night, on her due date! I'm so very glad she and I made friends during our pregnancies as she has been a constant support and loves Harry and Christopher so much- as I do Rayner- and I'm so glad our boys have grown up to be so close.
My beautiful nephew Jack was born just before Christmas, and he is truly amazing! My sister and brother in law often send us pictures and videos (as they live across the water) and they are bringing him to see his Aunty Lucy and cousin Harry soon 😍.
I have deactivated my Facebook account recently and my other one is also currently not in use. My email address is lucygeorge93@hotmail.co.uk, if you wish to email me 😄.

Lots of love xxx

Happily ever afters aren't always what they seem

All throughout my life, all I've ever wanted is to settle down, get married and have children. For some people that's the last thing on their list and they want to travel and get drunk and have lots of sex in the meantime... So anyway, I didn't wait. I thought I'd found 'The One' (lol) and I got pregnant. Just like that. It didn't even occur to me that at the tender age of 17 I had what so many desired- fertility. Nope, I wanted a baby. I had two, I lost one. I thought he'd look after me and because we were both so young and immature, he didn't. I don't blame him. What we went through wasn't something anyone should have to. But it did. Of course whilst I'm talking about losing our child, I also mean getting pregnant young, whilst by no means do I regret nor would I trade my children in for any other life than I have... they were right. There was still things I wanted to do. Things I hadn't even given myself the chance to consider. I was a baby, not even a fully grown adult, in the eyes of the law I was merely a child. Fast forward twelve months later and my children's father and I had split up for the billionth and final time, just two days before their first birthday, our "engagement" ended. I'd taken up quite an important job within the family business because he couldn't find employment. Just as things came together, they were falling apart. I started saving. I seldom let anyone in, in fear they would let me down. It seemed to take forever but in November 2013, after months of hard work and a LOT of family support, I bought my house. Nearly a year after that, in 2014 I passed my driving test. I had a lot of shit thrown at me, and whilst I didn't stop moaning, I didn't stop anything else either. I fought and I won, I didn't need anyone except the people who loved me along the way, even when shit got tough, they were there. I don't need someone to love me, the ones who do always have... but it would be nice to be able to open up to somebody else.

Just goings on

I've been verrrry busy lately.

I have been taking singing lessons, which are going great- I love it and it gives me great confidence in my voice. Maybe one day I'll put it to use as I'd always meant to join one of the "amateur" (I use that term lightly, as anyone who has had the pleasure of attending any of the local theatre groups' shows would surely agree that they are all hugely talented) drama societies but never did due to pure laziness and lack of confidence.
I truly feel that my boys have really inspired me to do the things I have managed to do and it's only now I've realised how much I "missed out on" as I was so quick to jump in to family life, obviously naive enough to think that's all there was to life. However it isnt all bad- quite the contrary! I have learnt many things along the way. As I say, my biggest inspiration are my children and they are also my most fierce motivator.
I surprised myself, and everyone else by enrolling in the Business School on the Island, studying CMI. It's gruelling hours, and when I'm working the other six days it's quite tiring. It's a bit of a shock to the system, especially as we're doing assignments and I haven't done anything like this in around five years. I actually enjoyed doing essays in my English classes [about stuff I actually enjoyed] because it was a chance to argue points and write whatever I wanted. The problem I have- and have always had- is being concise. I don't half ramble on sometimes, and go completely off subject. Oops. I started my assignment today, and it's not as daunting as I initially thought [thanks to my Mum and Dad, whom, as usual, calmed my panic and gave me the confidence in myself that I can do it]. The good thing about being part of a cohort is that you can work together and support each other, and I was particularly thankful for one of the them today as talking to different people from other industries gives you a wider, more openminded perspective.
It has been a long summer at work, which has been fabulous for business *touch wood* and it's slowly calming down. I prefer being busy than being quiet, it's rewarding when a service goes well, when guests compliment the business, or the staff. It makes it all worth it, however exhausting it may sometimes be (and all the moaning I do).
Yesterday the "International Wave of Light" took place, within the Baby and Infant Loss Awareness Week (9th-15th October). I, among many, many other bereaved parents lit a candle for their little one lost. I was actually in work and attempted to light an old candle which didn't work, ha ha. The thought was there...
I will be on my travels on Friday, for a short trip to see my family. I really do love my trips to see them, and enjoy every moment I can spend with me dear old Ninski (grandmother - Ninna, Ninski, Ninnsie) as she likes to scare us, and then bounces back like she always does (Thank God!). It's been a scary time recently with all sorts occurring, but thanks to the help of my lovely Aunty and Uncle, she has been able to come through it all, once again- and we are counting our blessings. I am back there in a couple of months as well, very excited to see my cousin, and meeting her man- [properly] finally!
My cousin James has also won his first game of club Rugby, now I don't know much about the game, but I believe he is brilliant at it, I'm so proud of him. My cousin Helen has started up her website, promoting her business http://aworldofwords.co.uk/ - check it out!
My sister got married, welcoming Rodney in to our family. I had the pleasure of watching it from home (live streaming) and was overjoyed to see her walk down the aisle, and marry her best friend. I'm so glad she's happy, she deserves that.
Harry is being an absolute menace at the moment, but funnier, and more cunning every day. 'Peppa Pig' has been BANNED from the house- and about time, too.

Learning how to walk, how to breathe

Just a few short poems, and literature giving me some comfort tonight...

If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ask me if I was 'over' it. They would ask how I was doing learning to walk without my leg. I was learning how to walk and breathe without Wade. And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before - Elizabeth Edwards

Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane travelling west, crossing the dateline again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss is still ahead, and you are here, instead of sorrow - Nessa Rapaport

As you danced in the light, love lifted you. As you brushed the world so gently, you lifted us - TC Ring

That through the radiance which once shine so bright
Be forever taken from my sight
Thou nothing can restore the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower
I will grieve not but find strength in what remains
Behind
- William Wordsworth

My little man, what centuries of light did you travel to reach us here, your stay so shortlived; in the twinkling of an eye, you were moving on, bearing our name and a splinter of the human cross we suffer; flashed upon us, like a beacon, we wait in darkness for that light to come round, knowing at heart you shine on forever for us - Hugh O'donnell

In the Midst of Life

It seems everyone is so afraid of death nowadays. Once, what was to be a community ritual to respect the dead, those now turn their backs; unwilling to accept the bereavement and display of grief by the loved ones who mourn.
The dead are at peace, they do not care for what they have left behind, they are ... Well, wherever you believe they are: Heaven, the after life, or maybe you don't believe anything... Maybe you have not needed to think what happens after we die, and therefore ignorant to it. I, however, think of it daily. Losing someone- many people in fact- to death, means it is part of my every day life. I am not afraid of it, and I often share my wonders of Christopher's departing and I am often looked upon with pity. The way I have handled my grief, not many understand; I have been open- some regard it as too much so, and therefore they have recoiled in shock, ignorance and denial. But I digress, in one's disapproval.
I have been reading Jennifer Worth's books (Call the Midwife, In the Midst of Life) and I am intrigued by the ways of life, the standards of care that were in place and the contrasts between then and now, and disturbingly how some things are still the same in many places around the world, today in 2014.
"The good old days" are something many people go on about, as if it was perfect and nothing could ever go wrong. Some will fiercely disregard the fact anything could possibly be better now, than it was then. On the contrary and more than one cares to admit, the world has changed for the better in so many ways. Of course, there are the standards in things such as health care, that there are bits we should go back to like bringing back Matron, the strict practices that ensure nurses and doctors alike would carry out their jobs properly and with the highest regard for their patients. I'm not saying their weren't any faults back then, of course not. But those who had their training on the job, and not in colleges definitely had a better understanding and level of care, contrary to the graduates who go in to nurses thinking they are above doing bedpans.
As always I have drifted quite off subject and reluctant to carry on. Have a good day.

I'm getting on, don't knock me back.

This week is a build up to Harry and Christopher's 3rd birthday. I can feel the anxiety building up as in my head I can't help but run through everything I went through in that period. On Wednesday I would have been going in to labour, on Friday I would have been going in to theatre. I know I need to stop looking back and look in to the future instead but that's something that the grief just won't let me do. It's a constant battle of guilt: if I don't think about Christopher or if I don't "just" enjoy Harry. I want to "just" enjoy Harry, I'd do anything to have the burden taken away but I cannot and will not deny my grief for his brother. Maybe over time it will lessen some, but with them being twins all I can think about is both of them because that's how they should be- together. If I could just have a break from it, (which doesn't mean a break from Harry) I'd be grateful. I love my angel but sometimes it's hard to bear, and I have echoes of peoples voices in my head telling me "not to remind myself" as if I forget, as if he's not on my mind all the time like Harry is. I'm sick of the knowing it's always going to be this way. It's unpredictable when it's going to spring up on me, and when it does I can't control it. I don't understand how I'm going to live with it. But then I realise I have. I have lived and I have done things that people thought I was unable to do. Thanks to the support of family and friends around me I've been able to express myself when needed and with that I've got on with my life, I didn't let it get me down. Just because some people see on Facebook that I'm not always happy "like I should be because at least I have Harry", what they don't see is what I have done, what I'm doing. Getting up and going to work, protecting Harry by putting a roof over his head and making sure he will be okay when I "leave". I go to the gym to make sure I am in good health so I can look after him and be a positive energy in his life. All the rest of the things are left to me. I would never burden him with my troubles, he won't see my pain because I won't ever let my personal struggle be the centre of our world. I cannot stress enough how much I've put aside to care for him more than myself. So the people who punish me for grieving in my own personal way can say what they wish. I will not infect them with what happened to me, what happened to me will never hurt their living children or themselves. If they don't want me in their life because I bring them down, they will have to walk out themselves because I am entitled to that little chance I get to express my grief, that doesn't just come when I am on Facebook, and share a picture or a memory or a statement. That is a constant bane of my life. I cannot pick and choose when it does come but trust me when it does it knocks me in to next week. It storms through me and I'm angry SO SO SO angry because I feel robbed. Nothing will ever make that better but I will live with it, and I'm "getting on with it" because I want to, not only that but it's the only choice I have.

My new normal.

There's a 'new normal' you have to get used to after you lose a child. It's not something you want or choose to do, it's not a good thing nor a bad thing. It's just what happens. You change, and while the world keeps going you just want to step off and be able to breathe; free from all life's challenges. You're no longer the person you used to be, mother or father- it affects you in the deepest way.
I feel like I entered my 'new normal' when Christopher was actually diagnosed in the womb. They said he had Anencephaly and he wouldn't live- I accepted it there and then. I knew what they were saying was true, for some reason I didn't even think maybe they could be wrong- before I even stepped in to that room somewhere in me knew already.
In that moment I changed. The world had somehow kept spinning but my world had stopped, frozen in time trying to adjust to my 'new normal'. And for the millionth time I think "Thank God for Harry".
It's not easy to just keep going. But where there is life, there is hope and with all the strength I had left I gripped on to that.
I had to get on with it, when Christopher died I spent that night with him and then the next day at 6am, I was thrown in to mummy duties. It was as if "that's done and over with, now you have a healthy baby to look after and be excited about".
Eight months after and so much had changed. I was sad and lonely despite being with Lee things weren't that great between us either. I went back to work and then about two months later we split up, and he told me I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, working and raising Harry as a single parent. I'd have to give up work and I could kiss good bye to the dream of buying a house because that was never going to work without him.
But I did it.
Despite my 'new normal', despite becoming a mum to twins at the tender age of 17 and being a single mum. I managed. You get through it. It doesn't make you a hero, but it doesn't make you any less of a person either. You just 'are'.
I'm 21 in May and I kind of think, what next? I feel like I've done everything when everyone around my age has just begun to live their lives. I love my house, my job and my little boy dearly. My friends are true and I appreciate the time they give me, even if sometimes I struggle to find the time for them. I can't help feeling like I shouldn't have to be alone, and it would be nice to share it with someone. It scares me how independent I have become, when I want something done I don't wait for anyone else and I just do it, which is a good thing in a way but it's very isolating and trying to fit someone else in to that seems impossible right now. It would take someone with a lot of patience, love and understanding to take me on. I need a balance that will make things a little bit of the 'new normal' seem more bearable.

Milestones

Harry is potty training! Something that felt like it was out of reach a few weeks ago is something we finally have in our grasp. I'm thrilled. But also sad, it's yet another thing Harry will no longer need me for. He's growing up so fast, and there are a ton of emotions going through me as he reaches milestones.
I've been through every milestone with him, we do it together and he surprises me every time with how fast he learns and how he copies things people around him do, he's like a sponge taking in everything.
First it was his birth, he cried out loud letting us all know he was here and safe, they'd done it! Together they had beaten the odds and Harry and Christopher had made it through a stressful pregnancy. I honestly don't think they could have done it without each other and if I could just have them back snuggled where they were... Together.
Then it was eating and his weight, Harry's weight piled on. He loved his milk, and it was one thing I was able to do for him, with him being in Special Care from 32 weeks and 4 days. He only spent three and a half weeks in there before becoming all mine. For those weeks, thanks to my mum, dad and Lee, I was up at the hospital two to three times a day. So it was no surprise when due to stress and exhaustion, my milk ran out from one boob, and much to my dismay I had to stop breast feeding. I was truly gutted, but it was out of my control.
Every time I would compare him to other children, he would surprise me and suddenly start doing what I was worrying about. Children should never be underestimated, they are very clever and need to be encouraged and celebrated at every achievement, and learn how to lose gracefully.
I just feel a huge sense of pride for my boys, and I will always celebrate them like they deserve to be.

I'm really trying.

I'm really trying to make myself feel better at the moment. I've been very down lately and although it's okay not to be okay sometimes- it can be bad for you if you dwell on it, which is what I have been doing. I've been feeling the pounds piling on recently (and unfeeling money pounds, I bought a tumble dryer this week) and my hair has been limp and making my face look so pale as the colour was so dark. I've just constantly been feeling sorry for myself and not doing anything about it.
So yesterday after dropping Harry off at nursery I came back and used my tumble dryer- YAY! I had to sell my dishwasher (that I didn't need) to go in it's place. Cleaned up a bit, rested for a little while and then made my way to the new ladies gym just by my house. I did a half hour class called 'Thighs, Bums & Tums', it was SO hard. I'm still hurting now! But it made me feel great that I did something so I had the energy to then go and pick Harry up from nursery and take him to the park for a few hours to wear him out a little more before I handed him over to Dad and started work.
This morning it was thrashing it down with rain, I was soaked as I took Harry to school, and walked back. Today I went back to the gym and I signed up for a 'quarterly' membership, also had my hair done and my eyebrows threaded. I feel like a new woman, already! I reserved my mum and myself places for Saturday's 'Kettlercise' class (exercising using kettle bells) which I'm really looking forward to.
I also (I know, I'm on a mission!) registered for an amateur acting company workshop, which starts in May. Hopefully it will bring me out of my shell, and give me the chance to socialise.
These are all things to look forward to, and motivate myself to become a more positive person. Releasing them dolphins (endorphins) and getting slim is something I really need so please can all my followers send me good vibes!!

Hope.

After being unable to sleep last night with Harry up every hour, I went back to bed when he did - only to be awoken about ten minutes later to the sound of someone hammering outside. I had that much of a headache my nose started to bleed. I am exhausted and feel alone, as always. It's not easy being a single mum and trying to do everything at once, with no one to ask for help or have a rant at when I'm angry. I feel like I'm just taking up everyone's homepage with stupid attention-seeking statuses. If I wrote how I really felt, people would be worried. But I don't want to burden anyone, that only makes me feel worse. Asking for help is a massive step that I struggle with and I don't know who to turn to. I have been offered several times a shoulder to cry on or someone to 'scream' at. But when it comes to, I just don't have the words.
Maybe I need counselling, someone who knows what questions to ask so I can give the answers that I need to say. I know I'm falling in to a rut.
This Wednesday, and Thursday just gone, I went for two long walks which was great. As soon as I dropped Harry off on the Wednesday, I went along the promenade and up towards Groudle, and then turned back. It took me just over an hour to get home and I felt refreshed, but soon went back to bed, unwilling to do anything more. Thursday, me and a friend went walking up to Marine Drive and put the world to rights as we fought the cold air. I then met up with another friend, picked Harry up and went to work. Harry was feeling the effects of being at nursery four days a week and slept on me for an hour and a half until I had to work.
He was dropped off at 7am the following morning, and we went to bed again, waking up at 9. I made plans with my Grandma who picked me up at 12 to go searching for a dryer, as I only have a washer-dryer. I'd finally sold my dishwasher so I now had the space. I really look forward to the call on Monday to arrange a time for delivery- sad, eh? But I have saved and saved, ready for the year ahead to hopefully visit my sister, and my aunty and at the end of this month I'll be going clothes shopping in Liverpool, which is needed as one of the main things getting me down right now is the fact I can hardly fit in to my clothes (hence the walking).
I have also signed up to a class for drama on Tuesday nights starting in May, which should give me something to look forward to. Acting is one of my favourite things, having gained an A* in my drama performance in my last year of high school.
This time of year I always get down, remembering how three years ago I would have been still waddling around with a huge baby bump with my two gorgeous boys. I had so much to look forward to, yet living on tender hooks knowing anything could happen next. I could go in to labour, earlier than planned. My scans were every week, and we just lived for them. We wouldn't know what Harry and Christopher had planned, whether he was getting tired or he was okay. I was buying for Harry, things like blankets, cot, pram, steriliser.. not even knowing if I'd get to use them. But I had hope, and that's what got me through.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Last night I went to search for my friend on Facebook, to realise she has deleted me. I post on Facebook a lot as it's my only outlet. I don't have a partner to share news with, be happy with or go to when I'm upset, so I tell my friends. Some people may say I expose too much of myself on there emotionally and leave myself open to negativity and harsh comments.

So I'm not going to say I was totally surprised. But I did ask why, and the answer shocked me. Bearing in mind this is a friend that I told when I got the news that Christopher was poorly and she visited me at the hospital the day I had my boys. She's never shared any qualms with me talking about Christopher, and seemingly welcomed me to talk to her when I was ever upset or in need of a friend.

Let me tell you now, child loss is not infectious, but it's an incurable kind of disease that I will never just "get over". I struggle daily bringing up Harry singlehanded, especially at the moment it's particularly tough as he goes through a stage of not listening to what I say, totally ignoring punishment and asking for anyone but me all of the time. It's a typical thing I know, but working full time too, then trying to stimulate a nearly-three year old is exhausting.

When I'm alone, it seems all the things that I could think about that makes me upset, I do. It's as if I've been occupying my mind all day to avoid, suddenly that part of my brain relaxes any barriers and all I can think about is the fact that I'm alone. Harry's in bed, so I can't go anywhere or do anything; and I'm tired so I wouldn't want to anyway. My friends are either at work, or busy and most of then have children now so they're unable to come around.

So this "friend" has a little boy who's not one yet. I searched for her and she wasn't there. So I asked her why...

"Yeah I did, only because you're constantly putting hashtags and statuses about Christopher and I can't deal with it. I have a son and it just upsets me when you constantly broadcast the fact you have lost a son. Everyone knows you have and everyone knows it's the worst possible thing that could ever happen. I just don't want anything to happen to **** and it's horrible always being reminded of what happened to you.
I'm sorry for not talking you first so don't say silly things like that. But I see my son and I don't want anything to happen to him, I couldn't deal with it."

Apparently I'm being irrational, thinking that she could have talked to me first and explained her reasons- even though they are invalid anyway. I keep my son's memory alive because he is my child, I held him and he was here. People would say something if I didn't talk about him, and quite frankly I'd feel an overwhelming guilt- like every time someone asks me how many children I have? I have two.

So if you have a problem, speak now- or forever hold your peace.

A Man With A Plan, But He Was Just A Boy.

I arranged a memorial notice for Christopher in 19th April's Courier. It was absolutely heartbreaking and I just about held myself together. I just passing the newspaper place after taking Harry swimming. I'm glad I did it because I don't have to think about it, now.
Their 2nd birthday is 18 April and it's creeping closer, around this time we met with the paedatricians, consultants and Special Care Baby Unit (a.k.a. NICU) nurses to arrange and explain what would happen at the birth and what I wanted. It all feels very surreal that I went through all of that at just 17 on top of hormones and stress of being pregnant. It's all so emotionally exhausting, draining.

I know everything's okay now. Harry was discharged by the paedatrician (he went every 6 months because he was premature) on Monday. We weighed him and took his height, walked in to the office, sat down, answered some questions; is he eating, how is his talking etc. then the doctor just said "Well he's fine, nothing wrong with him. I see you lost his twin, I'm sorry about that." and he was discharged. All I can say is how lucky I am and how things could have turned for the worse. But I had the best outcome I could've. Obviously I never wanted my Christopher to die, but he lived for Harry, and he was tired. He'd been strong for too long and I'll always be grateful to him for giving everything to his brother. He had a "wise" look about him. He knew, so very well.

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

Can you tell when people lie? I'm not sure I can. I don't like being treated like an idiot, and I feel it now more than ever since I became a lone parent. Maybe it was like that before, actually- Lee never really gave me the respect I deserved when it came to things he wanted and found himself very confused in his own lies. I felt embarrassed for him more than anything, especially when he was caught out and had to backtrack.
I made so many excuses for Lee during our two-year on-off relationship and I'm glad we got back together but sad that from seeing his son every day, he went to not wanting to "because it hurt to see me". They created a bond and Harry loves his dad.
Now I have to tread so carefully, because as much as I hate doing so, I rely on him to take Harry at least two Sundays a month to let my parents have their day off together in peace. So sometimes as much as I would like to tell him what is on my mind, I can't. I can't try and stress to him that the money the court ordered him to pay should not have been ordered by a bloody court in the first place if he had his priorities straight.
I know I should get over it, stop talking about it and refrain from posting angry Facebook statuses about the situation; but anyone who is lucky enough to be in a stable relationship with their children's father could never understand. It is so easy for someone like that to tell you not to let your child's father see your child because of the stupid things they do. But the thing is- I'm the one who would look bad in the end- no matter the reason for stopping contact (have you never watched Jeremy Kyle!?).
I guess I would just like Lee to understand its not about the money- it's the principal of it. I want Harry to know his dad. At least then he can find out for himself what an idiot his dad is and how he'd rather spend money on cars and holidays before seeing to what's really important and finding any excuse not to spend his spare time getting to know Harry. That's what makes me sadder than anything.

My white rose

"Call the Midwife" is a drama produced by the BBC, illustrating the view of Nurse Jenny Lee who serves the small town of Poplar in London, England in the 1950s. Jennifer Worth wrote "Tales of a Midwife" where she tells of her time in Poplar, birthing babies and looking after the community. Worth comes from a rather comfortable upbringing and is shown the desperate state of poverty the town suffers. Jenny and her fellows face the challenge of difficult births and moreover devastating events such as infant loss.

This most certainly struck a cord with me today as I watched last night's episode, where baby Thomas is found dead in his cot, as a result one of his lungs not expanding properly.

A gathering was held at the house, in a tiny white coffin lay Thomas, so still. His mummy puts a blanket over him, his daddy- a white rose. Alike the one that was placed on my little man's casket, a symbol of innocence, white and delicate. And that's what you are.

I miss you oh so much, little one. I love you always, always, always. No matter how hard I cry, no matter how many tears may fall, or years pass... You're not coming back, but you will never leave my heart. You are my sunshine, I'll see you again one day.

Does anyone know of a GOOD waterproof mascara???

With you, always

I'm sitting here after a late one at work. I decided to put the pyjamas that I held Christopher for the last time, on. My heart hurts, I am so tired. I want him back in my arms so badly. All one pounds and twelve ounces of him. I long for more time with him. He is mine. My little froggie 🐸. I miss you dearly and love you with all I have. Night night, stay close to me tonight. Oh, you x

Because I can, so I will.

Never take your chances at motherhood for granted, they could be snatched away in an instant. The moment you know you are a mum, you should change. Everything, your whole outlook on life. If it doesn't, something is very wrong. I've changed, I know I've changed. I don't know how I cope sometimes, it's very lonely being a single and working mum. It's tough, from the moment you wake, you are theirs. They need you all day until someone else can take over and you can go to work, until twelve that night- half eleven if you're lucky. Then you go to bed and wake up and do it all again. But I wouldn't change that. It's rewarding like you wouldn't believe. Getting out of bed is a struggle for me, Harry is truly the only reason I do- but I do. When I look around the door to see Harry standing in his cot, or bouncing. and smiling at me it tugs at my heart. I love him so much. He takes my patience to the limits when he is ill and won't eat or drink- but really, that's the only time. The other times I struggle are possibly when I just get a bit overwhelmed by everything, suddenly everything that has happened over the past couple of years hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm knocked for six. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm happy. I'm frustrated. It was me that made that pregnancy happen- I missed the pill. The person who can throw that back in my face every time is the same person who promised me the world yet finds it difficult to secure work and pay his way. No, I'm not really bothered about the financial side of things... all I need is time. Time for Harry and time for me. It would be nice just to have that person turn up with a bag of nappies when he turns up for a few hours on a weekend. I ask for him to look after Harry whilst I work- NOT while I get hammered- while I WORK! And this is babysitting, a chore. The point he seems to miss is that I work towards getting a house for his son and me, because that's something I could never depend on him for. I'm ANGRY. Can anyone blame me? Can anyone honestly say that I haven't got a right to express my feelings. I can only do this by typing. To the world. Fxck- who cares? Shoot me. I got an A* for my drama performance and no one expects me to need an audience? People blog for different reasons, well this is my reason. Because I can, so I will.
I'm going to bed.